Paris, Paris, and sucking from the sky

Posted by Jesus on May 7, 2007

Today I want to talk about three completely different, yet wholly related things. All have made the news at various points in the last few days, and all represent the wrath of God visited upon your heads for your complete failure to condemn and eradicate homosexuality in America. The reason I’m working with three topics today is also to illustrate to you the depth of Dad’s vision and creativity in bringing down His wrath. He is not bound by one-dimensional punishments, such as lightning bolts from the sky, but is instead capable of inflicting torment via vehicles hardly capable of comprehension by such simple minds as yours. His wrath can be felt in diseases and decisions of dictators, bullets and breast cancer, and even in tornadoes and whiny whore media icons. Recently His vengeance has been visited upon you in triplicate, taking on the forms of a tornado in Greensburg, Kansas, election results in France, and Paris Hilton.

There are two ways to explain the trio of events. One is to consider them as events in time and label them as present, future, and long-future. The other is to call a three-pronged act of vengeance made up of physical, political, and psychological/biological components. For the sake of argument I’ll discuss them in both categories, as an understanding of how Dad works should be complex and approached from multiple angels to be fully appreciated. It’s fascinating watching Him work sometimes, as He can make the most intricate of decisions turn into a full-fledged firestorm of wrath. Gone are the days of locusts or fire from the sky - God has developed a softer and more intricate hand over time. It’s like watching an angry, paint-slinging modern artist transform into a creator of pastel-colored nature scenes. Both represent art, neither more powerful than the other, but it’s the approach which sets them apart.

So to start let’s examine the tornado in Kansas. This behemoth came in as a huge F5 and literally wiped a town off the map. This was of course the immediate, or present wrath of God. Its impact is severe, can be felt instantly, and comes in a form which has been used time and time again by the Almighty. The tornado is truly one of Dad’s favorite tools, and can almost always be directly attributed to a group or societal failure to adhere to His law. Note that this does not always mean that the subject of such blasphemy is targeted by the tornado - how could one learn their lesson if they’re killed in a disaster? No, the tornado is always aimed at others, innocents, if you will, to illustrate to the rest of you what happens if you commit such blasphemy. In most cases, this particular tornado included, the wrath targets predominately Christian communities. That way the people who lose their lives at least have some chance of making it to Heaven, and those who survive have a chance to experience one of Dad’s tests. Always thinking, He is. The tornado also illustrates Dad’s continued commitment to the physical form of wrath, which is of course to mean that He is still prone to maim or kill you or others for your transgressions. It’s becoming less “in-style,” but He still enjoys a good town-bashing now and again. We thought after Katrina that He’d slow down significantly, but maybe we’re coming into a resurgence in His use of such tools. Let’s hope not, eh?

The second major dose of wrath visited upon you lately is the election of Nicholas Sarkozy as President in France. While it may initially seem as though the conservative, pro-USA candidate would indeed be the better of the two from which they had to choose, you will learn in the near future that such is not the case. Sarkozy is a proponent of church/state separation, has been married several times, and has on multiple occasions directly challenged Dad’s plans for him. Given the conservative credentials he’ll tout, the friendship he will soon forge with George Bush, and the slow slip toward atheism he will experience while in office, it’s clear to all in Heaven that this new French President will create nothing but trouble for the USA, which is already in the midst of a battle to redefine conservatism as a less Christian movement. We call this the future wrath of God, as well as tagging it as a political visitation of vengeance.

You’ll really start to see this wrath come to pass when the French take up arms and help the USA invade a few smaller Middle Eastern countries in the upcoming continuation of the Crusades. They can’t shoot for anything, having only participated in modern warfare in the most limited manner possible, and are going to end up killing more US soldiers than muslims. Of course it will be around this time that you will all come to realize that Sarkozy has, in fact, been a firm supporter of the rights of those poor and downtrodden followers of the false prophet Mohammad over the years. I’m not going to give away the ending, except to say that it’s going to be spectacular and might even still be avoidable. Some of you will need to get your hearts in the right places first though.

The third and final angle from which you will all receive Dad’s vengeance is from Paris Hilton. By now most of you are probably aware that the hotel heiress is destined for a stint in prison, but it’s unlikely that any of you recognize the innate danger in this turn of events. It’s not like you should, though, as Dad has this penned as His long-future act, and has determined it to be a mix of psychological and biological wrath. The truth is that Paris going to jail is one of the most diabolical schemes ever hatched by Heaven, and right now is expected to lead to the death of at least half of you in America when it comes to fruition.

You see, Paris is already the embodiment of all that is wrong in your society. She worships vanity, a growing and vulgar collection of idols with names like Louis Vuitton, and spends far more time than is allowed with homosexuals. She respects not the tenets of the tithe, having refused for most of her life to give to the Church or to viable charities, and has sex with lots and lots of people, and I’m told even with some animals. Even more damning is the fact that she has become a role-model for little girls everywhere, and we all know my own proclivity to helping in any way possible the droves of little girls who might otherwise be lost. In this fashion Paris is competing directly against me, Jesus Christ, and unfortunately she has a much more widespread platform from which to spew her lazy blasphemous idiocy in the mainstream media than I do in the increasingly more secularized churches.

So Dad’s come up with an incredible plan. While in prison Paris is going to contract a new disease which is being invented for this exact purpose. It will remain dormant, yet transmittable by sexual contact, for twenty years, after which it will activate and will kill everyone who has had sex with Paris Hilton or who has had sex with someone who has had sex with Paris Hilton or who has had sex with someone who had sex with someone who has had sex with…you get the point. After its initial run it will virtually disappear again, occurring only in cases where people have sex on camera. While the first round of wrath will initially be almost entirely biological, we expect the psychological fallout to reverberate for the remainder of your time on the planet. With so many around the world dead, and the porn industry in ruins, you will once again be forced to populate the Earth from next to nothing. This time, though, you’ll know it was because of Dad’s wrath, and we suspect you’ll all be much more inclined to raising your children according to the Law of God.

So there you have it, my children, three recent explanations for seemingly unrelated events, none of which your mainstream voices have yet attributed to God. As I’ve said time and time again, literally nothing happens on Earth without Dad planning and executing it, which includes far away elections and spoiled twits going to jail. I hope you’re all more prone to look for God in all things, even the negatives, from here out, because the only other options we have up here are a complete reroll of the planet or a steady increase in the level and severity of His vengeance. We know for a fact the former works, but we’re starting to lose hope in the latter. Even this blog, which has been online for a few months now and which has yet been unable to completely revamp your society in its entirety, is being seen in Heaven as something of a wash. Moses even got publicly heckled on the shooting range the other day for his work with me on it.

If nothing else though, I hope that all of you take at least this one point away from today’s message - Dad is really big into riddles, so His wrath can often be found in one of the many he inserts into his daily communications. In this case, the riddle is:

From Dad’s morning newsletter:

What do these three wraths visited upon Earth all have in common?

A F5 tornado which destroys an entire town in Kansas

Democracy in France

Paris Hilton

The answer: They all have a propensity to suck.

Don’t blame me. I don’t write the stuff…

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