Paranormal beliefs

Posted by Jesus on March 16, 2007

Ricardo Penta prayed in this morning to point me toward this article regarding paranormal beliefs. It’s a short read, but covers a lot of ground. To close what has been an exceptionally fulfilling week here at openjesus.org, I’ve decided to respond in full to these issues, as it’s important that my followers recognize the difference between something Dad put there for you, and something that is an abomination and will land you in Hell.

From the article:

Overall, 52% of people surveyed say they believe in prophetic dreams. More than 40% agree that places can be haunted and that ancient advanced civilizations, such as Atlantis, once existed, just as writers from Plato to psychic Edgar Cayce have described.

The numbers aren’t too terrible here. I’d rather see 100% of you believing in prophetic dreams. They are, after all, clearly covered in Genesis 41:1-8, Acts 2:17, and Ezekiel 1-3, to name a few, and are among the most commonly used methods of getting messages from our corporate offices in Heaven City to you. Considering how many people we had to “need more” to get the bugs worked out of our Dream Suppressor and Vision Injection System (DSVIS), I am kind of disappointed that only just over half of you recognize that we can send messages. In truth I know that only about 6% of you actually listen to them. That’s still better news than your obvious misunderstanding of ghosts though.

Places cannot be haunted. This would imply that after death one has an opportunity to actually do the haunting, which simply isn’t so. Depending on your particular sect, one of two things happens to you when you die:

After death you may be immediately brought to the Gates for final judgment by our staff. This doesn’t happen terribly often, and is usually reserved for cases where Lucifer has filed the proper paperwork for a speedy acquisition of a particular soul (such as in the case of Kenneth Lay) or when we really need somebody more. Many Christians have also found a small provision in the Bible which lets them request this immediate judgment as well, so we do a fairly brisk business in ultra-devout post-death judgment on most days.
For most people, including non-believers, judgment will occur following the rapture. We’ll dig up all of the souls that have been stored for the last several thousand years and just form a few queues based on when and where you lived.

Now I know what you’re thinking, all of those souls just hanging around could be haunting something somewhere. Sure, and Noah could have taken three of each dinosaur species with him on the Ark. We know for a fact that he only took two of each dino on the big boat with him because it’s in the Bible, just as we know that souls waiting in line for Heaven can’t haunt places because it’s not in the Bible. If there were hauntings, we’d have told you about them. I’m pretty sure something like that would have been kind of important, at least enough so to get a passage or two.

To continue, lost civilizations did indeed exist, though Atlantis did not. You have found the remains of a few cities Dad smote, but there are still a whole lot of ruins you guys haven’t even gotten close to. If you really knew exactly how many civilizations He’s leveled throughout the non-time of His existence you’d be outright astounded. There are indeed ancient civilizations, some of which aren’t even on your planet. What, you guys didn’t think you were the only experiment, did you?

Continuing from the article:

About 25% [of humans made in God's image] use the Internet or books to research the prophecies of 16th-century astrologer Nostradamus, ghosts, yoga, astrology and UFOs, the survey found.

This also isn’t surprising, all things considered. We always knew about a quarter of you wouldn’t ever really get it. Nostradamus was a pretty interesting fellow, always had a few nice things to say to me at the end of a day, but I wouldn’t put too much stock in his predictions. Maybe he’s been right about a few things here and there, but he’s nowhere near the Bible in terms of outright prediction perfection. When you have the manual of all that has and will happen, why bother listening to a guy who once stuck his tongue in a hornet’s nest to win a bet?

UFO’s are one of those things I’m not really supposed to talk about here. They do exist, but you’ll never meet them. One of the chief reasons we chose infinity as opposed to just some really huge distance when designing the universe was to ensure that our projects stayed contained to their own labs. You’re welcome to keep sending them messages, I guess, but even now they’re literally no closer to reaching what you would call aliens than when you first sent them. Infinity, you see, is just plain awesome. Dad really nailed it on that one.

Astrology and yoga we view as relatively harmless, though the former does lean toward heresy. It’s alright if you want to stretch yourself and connect with all that we put on Earth, because that’s why we put you and it there in the first place - for you to stretch and for everything else to be there for you to stretch towards. Just don’t let either of them get in your way. You can be one with the Earth, I know I was, but you go too far when trees and wind and dirt and rocks become the recipients of your prayers. Sure, they all forward on to me eventually, but I hate getting roundabout news from a bunch of oaks close to your summer cottage. Astrology is much the same. The stars all work for Dad, so if you see something in them it might be a message. Your best bet if you see something line up out there is to pray about it, and we’ll send you a dream to let you know whether it’s a sin or a sign written in the cosmos.

Also from the article:

One question, however, drew such wide agreement that Bader suspects researchers’ intent was unclear. “We asked whether ‘Some alternative treatments are at least as effective as traditional medicine,’ ” and 74.5% said yes. “We were thinking of crystals, aromatherapy. … But people may have read the question to mean acupuncture, vitamins or herbs,” which have been scientifically studied and are widely used.

This is a pretty important distinction, and one I should make entirely clear once and for all. Herbs in all forms, plants, vitamins, and basically anything else which grows without the use of a prayer to Satan is there for you to use. We did contemplate doing a plant-less Earth, but in the end it was decided that it would be a little easier on us all if you could self-correct your minor woes. It’s not that we don’t want you praying for healing when you have a scraped knee, because we do, it’s just that sometimes it’s easier to pull of a miracle leukemia healing in Sri Lanka when we’re unencumbered by such matters. Aromatherapy does fall into this category to a fairly large degree; if Dad didn’t want you using your sense of smell to enhance your well-being He wouldn’t have given you smell or anything that smells good.

Crystals, however, are another matter altogether. They are indeed the work of the Devil, and like Tarot, Oiji Boards, Lawn Darts, and Palm Reading should be avoided altogether, lest ye burn forever in the fiery bowels of Hell.