Operation Pat Robertson-Freedom (2)

Posted by Jesus on November 29, 2007

Children, I have sad news. Moses is in U.S. custody at Guantanamo Bay along with our two envoys, and we cannot reach him through our prayer channels. He was captured more than a week ago trying to free them, and we have absolutely no idea how well he’s being treated down there at this time. Earlier today we received this secure message, delivered from a sympathetic U.S. Guard at Guantanamo.

From the smuggled message:

INCOMING EMERGENCY ACTION REPORT:

Rudy Giuliani’s forces are more formidable than we had anticipated, and he seems to relish the number of losses he suffers - sending his forces in wave after wave to their imminent death against two divisions of Heaven’s finest soldiers. His losses were stunning, but we were eventually exhausted from the constant killing, and overwhelmed by his flanking squads of lesbian, abortion loving Succubae. They are fearless and loud, Jesus.

John Wayne’s unit was captured en route to their objective, but as you are probably aware he personally escaped. He radioed too little, too late; too low, and too slow for us to be able to help. We were under attack at the time as well. Jesus, I cannot stress to you the casualties suffered by Giuliani’s forces. He has to be weak. Not even a sea crashing down from two sides could have killed as many as I did with my humble staff.

We’re currently being held at Guantanamo Bay. I have spotted our missing envoys, but have been unable to find the missing special forces units sent to find them. I fear the worst, Jesus.

The guards are coming so I must go; please send orders. Oh, and do forgive Mrs. Judith Ellsworth. She unknowingly walked into the middle of our ethereal battle and had her soul wrenched from her pores by the terrible incorporeal violence. Paul tried to explain but she is quite irate over the matter. She has young children, she said, who will be left without their mother. Maybe you can talk God into needing the kids more, so that they may be with their mom. Gotta go.

Bad news, my friends; bad news indeed. To counter Satan’s continuing plan to hold ransom the mind of Pat Robertson, we’re prepping an action against what’s left of Rudy Giuliani’s forces. Pat Robertson’s sanity simply must be found before the primaries begin. The good news is that despite losing his entire unit in the process, John Wayne managed to capture two officers during his struggle with the forces of Evil surrounding Giuliani, both of whom he took to our secure facility in Liberia. Since the base there is not on Heaven soil, we are able to get more “creative” with our information extraction methods. It’s not like the people John Wayne captured were Christian, after all. Fortunately we’ve got Ronald Reagan working around the clock on them. If anyone can break them, it’s the Gipper.

In the meantime I’m convening talks between the parties of Heaven and Hell to discuss a two-mind solution. We both know how important the choices of Pat Robertson can be, and we understand that there will be no lasting peace between us for so long as one side receives all of his support. For Judith Ellsworth, and for the others who will undoubtedly be placed in grave danger for so long as this struggle continues, peace talks between the nations of Heaven and Hell are the only viable solution. Many are understandably critical, as both sides have continuously promised to wipe the other from the face of Creation, but sometimes you just have to let go of the fact that you’re absolute mortal enemies who will one day inevitably be forced into a showdown of cosmic proportions which will undoubtedly destroy the vast majority of all that is and was and ever shall be in a halfhearted attempt to try to find some common ground. Diplomacy is hard.

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