None of you are really Christian

Posted by Jesus on July 10, 2007

The Pope recently decided that anyone who isn’t a Roman Catholic isn’t a true Christian. What he doesn’t know, and what I know, is that virtually none of you are true Christians. How many of you own a car? I wouldn’t if I were there. How many of you have jobs? I wouldn’t. How many of you have more food in your house than you need? The list is endless. For people who are supposed to spend your lives trying to be more like me, you’re a nation, no, an entire religion of failures.

The Roman Catholic Church has a major problem on its hands when it comes to dishing out propriety. For the folks who stood behind crusades, effected the tortured conversion of plenty of unwilling participants, wrote the worst praise music ever (and who still refuse to write some new music), completely mucked up the religion as a whole (Christmas was a collection of pagan rituals until the Roman Catholics used it to trick new followers into joining), and to this day continue to screw up virtually everything it means to be a Christian, handing out advice to those who are smart enough to steer clear of idiotic processions and rites seems a little hypocritical.

Let’s just examine the role of the Pope for a second. Who among you thinks that I, the bringer of peace and supporter of all that is good and fair in this world, would want one guy calling the shots in Rome? Not only that, but why in the world would I want that one guy to lead all of the Catholics? In terms of religious development, Salman Rushdie is more likely to get into Heaven than most Catholics. Belonging to the silliest sect of a broken religious movement is not going to earn you any points, especially when most of you who actually are Catholic don’t even usually follow the rules anyway, not that it would matter.

It makes me sick. The whole thing. You’ve got a half dozen people like Fred Phelps who actually know what God wants, and the rest of you just sit around and bash him. Meanwhile, the guy running the biggest organization currently contributing souls to Hell is telling you all that you’re not Christian enough.

Well, Mr. Pope, let’s just see how you like hemorrhoids! Nobody f**ks with da Jesus!