Nappy headed reverends

Posted by Jesus on April 10, 2007

Today was supposed to be a good day, you know? Dad and I were going to meet a couple of students who just arrived for some Yahtzee, then there was going to be a swim in the Perfect Pond after lunch, and then I was going to sit down and write about how so many of you are gaining favor by supporting the war. After all of that I might have answered some prayers, and then maybe taken a stroll with Mags through the Pope Estates to see how everyone is getting on. It was supposed to be a beautiful day in Heaven. But it’s hard to enjoy such a day when so darn many of you want Don Imus damned. You all know I hate to get involved in such petty matters, but you’ve driven me to it. So here we go, what would Jesus do about this Don Imus mess?

First of all, Imus is a pretty reasonable fellow. I’m not going to say he’s winning any awards up here in Heaven, and Dad just kind of chuckles when someone asks about whether or not he’ll make it up here, but he’s not the sort that’s going to get a lot of our attention. Maybe he’s not perfect, and maybe he runs his mouth a little, but so far as you humans are concerned that’s really par for the course. He helps a lot of kids during the year, white ones and black ones, and even some who are a mix of several colors. All in all, I’d say Imus is pretty safe over this ordeal. We don’t see what he’s said as problematic, so we’ve dropped the matter.

Now, as to Reverend Al Sharpton. That man is, as of today, straight damned to Hell. I’ve had about enough of his mouth, enough of his holier-than-thou attitude, and I’m just outright sick of him being such a drain and a burden on the people he’s supposed to be helping. Let me break it down for you.

Waaaay back when, I had a guy. His name was Moses. Today moses sits at the head of what you might call the “Supreme Court” here in H.C., but when he was among you I tasked him with a noble cause, to lead his people out of bondage and out of misery and to the land and bounty I had set aside for them. Aside from me, Moses is the single best example of a person helping his or her cause that you’ve ever had on Earth, so it is no surprise that many of you choose to emulate him in life. This is especially evident among what you on Earth call “minorities.” Many leaders have stepped up to assist the groups with smaller citizenship percentages, the black community being the one with the most outspoken and generally the most charismatic leaders. When these leaders are moving a cause, bettering people, and in all things glorifying me, such as in the case of the late Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., who is hands-down the single best Stratego player in H.C. right now (except Dad, who of course never loses), then such people gain favor with me and with Dad. Good leaders, whatever their cause, are hard to find.

Al Sharpton is not a good leader. He is not a good spokesperson, and he is not a good Christian. As a matter of fact, any black leader who claims to be outraged by this Imus matter might very well just join Mr. Sharpton in Hell, because the very act of pretending such outrage is worthy of such a sentence. What we’re seeing is a media blitz by a nation of black leaders bent on using any little potential scrap of what they might consider racism to further an agenda which works to the detriment of the black humans in America, who are also my children. If these idiots are so outraged about this, what is the proper and leveled response to, say, a racially motivated arson which kills 41 in an predominately-black orphanage? If Don Imus is so horrible and should be outright fired for his comment, then what path for escalation does the black community have when something of actual substance occurs? Do I need to actually unleash some real hate crimes on your people to show you the difference? I can do it, you know.

Well, they won’t really have any escalation when a real issue comes up, will they? And when this is all said and done you can bet that a really big chunk of America is going to be a little bit ticked that such a stupid incident got so many people fired up. In the end you can rest assured that this incident, handled so poorly by Al Sharpton in particular, is going to hurt black people in America. It is for that reason that I am hereby officially damning Rev. Al Sharpton to Hell for all eternity, with the sentence to begin immediately upon the moment of his death.

You see, racism is important to me. Because you are all my children I do not allow any degree of hate based on color. There is a proper place for hate, and that is homosexuality. Race shouldn’t even be a factor. When someone makes it a factor, such as Al Sharpton, it makes me mad. And when someone makes it an issue for personal gain, such as Al Sharpton, it gets people damned. Not only is Al Sharpton a racist in the sense that his very existence hurts the black community, he is also one who makes a living out of attacking white humans to further his own damaging cause. He’s a double-racist, you see. He hates black people, so he fires up little things which aren’t a big deal, making you all look like fools (especially when you agree with him), and he hates white people, so he takes everything even remotely risky on the air and makes it about him being offended, which can cost them jobs and livelihoods.

Face it, the man is a professional victim. He only promotes victimization, and he only leaves victims in his wake. Now I know what a lot of you are saying, Al Sharpton does a lot of good and has a lot of good in him. Sure, and you’d think Satan was the greatest guy who ever lived if you met him today on Earth - in fact, he actually ran the American Red Cross for several years under your noses. Don’t be fooled by Sharpton’s slick hair and smooth delivery, he’s a sinner and a wretch, and when Jesus tells you a dude is bad news you should listen.

And while I’m on the topic of damnation, I’d like to go ahead and inform the Rutgers girls and most of that faculty that they’re being carefully watched. You’ve all just done something wonderful, and you should be celebrating your achievements. We all know that what Imus said couldn’t really take all of the joy out of your experience, because such a thing would really be kind of silly and foolish. Therefore only one of two possibilities exits - either you’re actually offended, or think you should be, and are hurting everyone who might actually have a reason to really be offended with your idiocy, or you’re doing it for the attention, which really hurts the legitimacy of future racial complaints. Either way it’s a farce, and you’re all on notice for crimes against innocent people. Your stupidity and pretend victim status is not only hurting Imus and black people, it’s further desensitizing America to real problems. If you don’t reign it in, and soon, some of you might be needed more. You get me?

And in conclusion I want to leave you with a bit of a discussion Dad, me, Moses, and Mags had about this thing last night over a bottle of several thousand year old mead flavored by the fruits of Eden. You know He’s a little sudden in his decisions, and if something isn’t going His way He’ll just end it, right? You know, think “flood.” Well, Dad said last night that if this silly racism thing is going to keep driving you apart He’d just pick one color and clear the rest of you all off. If I were you I’d think real hard about that, because you know He can do it if He wants to. I wonder which color of people He’d let stay though…

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