My very own Jackpot

Posted by Jesus on April 8, 2007

I know I said I wasn’t going to do anything here today, but Pete and I have been on a solid binge of Funyuns, beef jerky, and Xbox Live pretty much nonstop for eleven hundred earth-years. Time moves way different up here. In any case, I just took a much-needed shower and figured I’d drop in to check my email, and of course I can’t help but say something to all of you out there praying to me right now. Thank you everyone, I hear you, and you’re all welcome!

And just to keep the streak going, I’ve decided to award a Jesus Jackpot today, even though it is officially my day off. To keep things simple, though, I’m awarding the Easter Jackpot to the one guy who really deserves it – me! For actually ascending to Heaven, being the Son of God, and for being the one who has saved all of you who have what it takes to be saved, I am proud both to give and to accept today’s Jackpot.

I’ve also decided to lower the Damnation Level today so that those of you with kids who are playing with Easter Bunnies aren’t automatically damned to eternal fire and pain along with the kids. In the spirit of Easter and redemption, all of your sins today only count for about half what they did before, and if you happen to die today you’ll come in under a reduced Damnation Level. If you’ve been hanging on looking for a better deal, today would be a good day to pull the plug. Yes Marcy, I’m saying that to you. Yes, I’m answering your prayer. Yes, it’s really me. Just do it.

Who says we never listen? Happy Easter!

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