Why muslims keep fighting, and why God doesn’t care

Posted by Jesus on June 15, 2007

Unless you’ve been in a coma for the past couple of days you’ve heard about the big mess in Gaza between Hamas and Fatah, the two prominent islamic factions in Palestine. Between throwing people off buildings and executing rival gunmen in the streets they’ve managed to toss the whole Middle East into a slow-burning frenzy. You know it’s gotten really bad when muslims are finally coming to God, the real God I mean, to ask for help.

Of course He’s not going to do a darn thing for them though. Why should He? We’re talking about savages here, people who settle their arguments as to who was better, the false prophet or the false prophet’s son, with an AK-47! Right now there are millions of noncombatants hunkered down across Gaza, Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan, and other hot-spots who want nothing more than to be safe from the rampant warring around them. The problem is that these are people who have been exposed repeatedly to The Truth throughout their lives and have made the conscious decision to follow the wrong religion. It’s a little late now to be begging the real God for help. It’s not that He won’t help you, it’s that He has people who have been worshiping Him for sixty-plus years who need a hand too, and there’s only so many angels to go around.

See, we all know that there is only One True God, and that naturally means that there is also only One True Religion. I shouldn’t have to spell this out for you. Why is it, do you think, that the U.S.A. is so mighty and powerful after only a few hundred years while most muslim-run nations are struggling just to clothe their leaders in something nicer than a Members Only jacket? It’s because Dad gives Christians and America a lot of spiritual gifts, the most promising of which is the ability to pray for things you want/need. This benefit isn’t extended to muslims, which is why you keep seeing them get blown up right after proclaiming their invincibility through allah. I mean, you can pray to a box of Wheat Thins if you like too, but they’re unlikely to get you out of a firefight, and they definitely won’t stop mortar rounds. Not like Dad can, at least.

I guess what I really mean to say is that God just doesn’t care what’s happening in the Middle East, at least not on the broader scale. He’s terribly concerned with each and every individual soldier the U.S. and her allies has on the ground over there, and He’s a little involved with some small pockets of Christians here and there, but muslims and the well-being of the nations from which they hail are not really something He thinks about on a day-to-day basis. Of course I’m not telliing anyone anything new here. We all know that where once stood great expanses of fertile land and even the Garden of Eden itself now contains sand dunes and rocks. Meanwhile Americans munch on giant cucumbers grown in the incredibly fertile soil of their alleyways and discuss the most pressing matter of the day, that whore Paris Hilton.

Let me just give you a little snippet of conversation overheard between God and a muslim late yesterday evening:

From the conversation between Ibrahim al Yanni and God:

Ibrahim: “Oh, Christian God! Please come and save me and my family! I am but a humble shoemaker and the bullets are coming closer to my home every hour!”
God: “Huh? Say again?”
Ibrahim: “I said please come and save my family. We have been praying five times a day for years and they’re still shooting outside, so I figure, you know, what the heck? Why not give you a call? Maybe you’re really the right God and you can actually help us, you know?”
God: “Mmmmm-hmmmm. And?”
Ibrahim: “Well, you know. It was one thing when they wanted to kill Russians, and then we got used to them killing each other, but now they’re trying to kill all of us civilians too. Can you save us?”
God: “Oh, um…no.”
Ibrahim: “What do you mean, no?! You don’t tell Ibrahim al Yanni no! Do you know who my ancestors were?! By Allah I’ll send my only son to martyr himself at your gates, telling me no!”
God: “Ok, bye.”
Ibrahim: “BYE?! Do you think you can just blow me off that easy!? You have just made a powerful enemy, God, a very powerful enemy indeed…”
God: “STFU, noob.”