Mike Huckabee is going to Heaven

Posted by Jesus on December 9, 2007

In 1849 God implemented a rule that grants all U.S. Presidents, Popes and Trappist monks a free pass to Heaven upon their deaths. The decree was made soon after the passing of James Polk, America’s 11th President. He had been baptized six days before his death, a laughable attempt at atonement for lifetime of egregious sins. Stricken in retaliation by God with explosive diarrhea, Polk went to Hell following his painful and disgusting end. Within a week intelligence officers in Heaven City had convinced God that some men, no matter how evil while on Earth, simply must be allowed to enter Heaven, if for no other reason than to continue the flow of reliable intelligence. The Trappists were added because sometimes good beer is just as critical as good information.

Mike Huckabee Presidents ascend to Heaven under this special order, but their families and friends do not. A Jesus Jackpot, however, broadens the award to include a wide range of allowances; not only does the recipient get to bring his or her family to Heaven, but they also get preferred housing on the same lake Dad lives on and a reserved table at the very exclusive Chateau de God, among other things. If you’ve been paying any attention to this site at all, you’ll know already that a Jesus Jackpot isn’t handed out every day. They are reserved for extremely special people who are not only important to Heaven because of what they know, but also how they conduct themselves. Today, as a result of his absolute disgust for fags and people with whom God has stricken with the plague of AIDS, I am pleased to honor former Arkansas Governor and Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee with this very prestigious award!

I’m going to be honest with you. Mike and I go way back. Even as a child, Mike had the kind of blind devotion and disgust for critical thinking that even my most elite followers normally take decades to realize. By nine he was arguing against fags and beginning to form the shell of hate which would come to define him. I took him under my wing soon after, granting him exceptional speaking and reasoning abilities, and propelling him to head of his class and early jobs in radio. I got him elected to a number of school and state positions in Arkansas, and eventually these led him to becoming Governor in 1996. As Arkansas is one of my most staunchly Christian strongholds, the position is critically important.

In 1992 Mike answered a press questionnaire while running for a Senate seat. One of the questions asked about AIDS patients, which Mike responded to exactly as I would if I were running for the seat.

From Mike Huckabee’s answer:

“If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague. It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents.”

That, my friends, is perfect. When I was on Earth I didn’t argue that lepers should be allowed to mingle openly among the rest of you, but rather went to them to see that their needs were tended to. The same should be done for AIDS, and only Huckabee seems to get that. It may not be a critical enough issue to propel him into the White House, but it’s a good position on an important issue. To sweeten the pot, though, take a look at what else Mike had to say on the same questionairre:

From Mike Huckabee’s other answer:

“I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk.”

That’s what God has been trying to tell you since the Old Testament! So many of you today who claim to be Christians are standing idle while more and more gay children are created by your celebrities, television shows, and arts in schools. If a kid wants to be creative, let them learn their craft the same way Mike Huckabee did. When he was young he prayed to me, asking that I teach him how to play an instrument. It’s obvious that I granted his prayer. How else would a white politician from Arkansas learn to play the bass guitar?

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