Man kills bear with log, only tells half the story

Posted by Jesus on June 26, 2007

You really do get used to being so overlooked after two thousand years of existence. Every single day I read stories about people who know for a fact that they’re only alive because I intervened and who, when interviewed, talk about their own bravery or dumb luck and leave me completely out of the picture. Every once in a while one of these stories really bother me, because sometimes I go way out of my way to help folks and don’t get my due. You’ve probably read about the guy who killed the bear with the log, right? Perfect example.

From the article:

A former Marine killed a bear with a single blow ? by tossing a log at its head.

The bear had snatched the family’s cooler from their campsite in a national forest in northern Georgia. The 300-pound black bear was taking its loot back into the woods when Chris Everhart’s 6-year-old son threw a shovel at it.

Now how is a guy, even if he is a former Marine, going to kill a 300-pound bear with a piece of wood without some serious Divine Intervention? The stupid kid deserved to get eaten (think Galations 6:7, “…whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he reap”) in the first place, so even if you’re one of those filthy hippie Communist jam-band frat wussies you can see how mother nature or some other pseudo-religious force you choose to go to Hell over could never have allowed the kid to avoid being a snack. Let’s just say, for a minute, that this Darwin guy was right. I know, it’s asking for a bit of a stretch, but let’s just pretend that he wasn’t a bloody loony and that evolution is the only force at work. Would a six year old boy without the basic intelligence necessary to abstain from throwing a shovel at a 300-pound bear not be the perfect cull for such a force?

More from the article:

Everhart lobbed the chunk of wood, hitting the bear in the head and killing it.

“(I) threw it at it and it happened to hit the bear in the head,” Everhart said. “I thought it just knocked it out but it actually ended up killing the bear.”

Here’s what really bothers me. He says he just threw the log, and it just oh-so mysteriously happened to hit the bear. What he doesn’t say is that he was screaming “oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh God, Jesus, God, Jesus, oh Jesus, Holy God, Jesus, oh God help” the whole time. He also seems to have forgotten about that white robe-clad brown fellow who lept out of the bushes, grabbed the log that was flying wide left, and beat the bear to death with it. I gave up bowling with the apostles to save his kid, you know, and from what I hear Philip was shooting milk out his nose half the evening. I got him back though.

Even more from the article: