Lori Drew (and family/friends) are going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on December 7, 2007

I just got out of a meeting with God about some end-of-year business that needs to be cleared up. There have been a lot of cases where people have done things which might ordinarily get them sent directly to Hell that have slipped through the cracks, either because we wanted more information before making a decision, or simply because more pressing matters were on the table at the time of the offense. One such case is that of Lori Drew, the mother who led a neighbor’s daughter to commit suicide based on a made-up MySpace persona. In case anyone was wondering, Lori is going to Hell, along with anyone related to her or who likes her even a little bit.

Lori Drew Basically it all went down like this: a young woman named Megan was friends with Lori’s daughter, Sarah, until Megan changed schools. The two girls soon drifted apart, so Lori, a 47 year old woman, created a MySpace profile claiming to be a young boy named Josh Evans. Lori used this profile to find out how Megan felt about her daughter, and in the process made Megan feel very liked and very special. Then one day, when Lori was done with Megan, she “dumped” her daughter’s former friend, claiming that “the world would be a better place without you.” As a result, Megan hanged herself in her closet with a belt.

Well, Megan showed up at the gates of Heaven a few minutes after she died, and because she committed suicide was sent directly to Hell without the possibility of appeal. From what I understand she hasn’t adapted very well to her new home in the Pit of Eternal Despair, but through a special arrangement is expected to move to a special unit sometime next year which will allow her to torment Lori and her family from beyond the grave. When Lori, any of her family, or any of her friends finally dies, they will also be sent to Hell, but with a twist. Instead of their eternal torment being delivered by demons, Megan herself will take on the role of primary torturer to the Drew family and friends case. The last report I received explained that Megan is being groomed to be one of Hell’s most feared punishers. Lori and her family might think things are bad now, but they don’t have the slightest clue what’s in store for them down the road.

In the spirit of true openness, there are a few extra details that must be made public in this matter. Lori and Sarah Drew have both contacted me numerous times to ask for help against the millions of people who seek to do them harm. Of course I have not granted them any favors, instead plaguing them with genital warts. So if you’re a teenage boy and you come across Sarah Drew, you might want to keep yourself limited to second-base, despite what you may have heard about her promiscuous ways.

The Drews will be moving from their neighborhood shortly, but their cruelty and utter hate for their fellow man will follow them forever. As good Christians you are all expected to shun them and cast them from your lives, else you will face Hell and an eternity of torment from Megan herself. No amount of prayer will save you, as this decree has come from God as a special punishment.

On the other hand, we are offering bonus salvation points to anyone who takes the opportunity to openly torment the Drews. There are usually crowds gathered around their house, and their business is fast drying up. Still, there will be plenty of time to get your licks in before God finally decides that it’s time for them to begin serving their eternal punishment. I don’t yet know how Lori and her family are going to die, but Dad says there’s something really ultra-nasty in their future.