Why Jesus loves little girls

Posted by Jesus on May 8, 2007

Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in my sight; Jesus loves the little girls of the world. When it comes to who all I love and in what order, it goes Dad, then Mom and Mags about equally, then Moses, and then little girls. After that it’s an elderly couple in Canada, George Bush, Republicans in general, then everyone else. I really never have been able to figure out exactly why I love little girls so much, but I’m guessing it was just something I was born with. It goes without saying that most of the love I have to give finds its way to this small segment of the population, something I’m not ashamed to admit. My name is Jesus Christ of Nazareth, and I love little girls!

There are of course a multitude of reasons for loving little girls, any one of which would suffice in an argument as to their virtues. I will attempt to illustrate a number of these today. I do this not to insist that each of you should love little girls as I do, but rather to clarify my own position on the topic. This website is called “open” Jesus for a reason. I am striving for a more transparent relationship with all of you, and part of this openness mandates that today you learn the true depth of my love and desire to instill my love into the little girls of the world. So let’s get started on today’s topic, why Jesus loves little girls.

1. Because they have a lot of love to give. Have you ever seen a little girl get a new puppy for Christmas or watched their eyes light up when daddy comes home from a long day? Far more so than little boys, and unmatched by even the most emotional of adults, little girls can literally pour love on any being or object to which her fancy is drawn. How can anyone not love any person who can wake up and give love to everyone and everything around them until it’s time for their nap, upon waking from which they continue to emit radiant affection for the rest of the day, except for those occasional brief moments of fuss on rainy afternoons? If there were a contest for who was the most like me, it would be won by a little girl simply because of the amount of tenderness and devotion they possess.

2. Because they’re suggestible. Let’s face it, part of learning to be a boy is developing the skills you’ll need to make women accept and cherish your decisions. When God created you as perfect beings, He made it so that the woman’s brain was geared toward taking orders. This is evident also in His Book, where He makes it clear that little girls should grow up to become obedient women. This generally begins in the little girl stage, where their little minds are prepared to take anything they’re told by anyone around them as fact. Perhaps that’s why I love little girls so much – they only need to be told once how much I love them and they can go their whole lives being great Christians without even needing the Bible.

3. Because little girls grow up to to be teenage girls. When doing so most of them retain their core little girl tendencies and beliefs. Because they are largely wired for obedience most little girls will become young women who maintain whatever faith was installed by their parents. In America this is of course predominately Christianity, and due to the overwhelmingly blind devotion and lack of inquisitive interest in their own beliefs (not to mention Dad’s ban on their asking questions or speaking in churches) most young women who came to know and love me as little girls will continue to know and love me as teenagers. Of course the same can be said for an overwhelming majority of males as well, although recently boys are admittedly more likely to backslide as teenagers due to the astronomical rise in homosexuality and incredibly cheap birth control and round-trip tickets to Mexican tourist hot-spots.

4. Because teenage girls grow up to be adult women. By the time women become adults in America they have been talking to me for a large majority of their lives. What begins as a bedtime story read by daddy becomes reality over the years as mommy, daddy, and society in general support the fact that all of the bedtime stories are quite literally true. As teenagers and young adults they weather boyfriends, high school, and college, and for most of them the experience of maturing involves a number of church trips and regular worship time with friends on Sundays and most Wednesdays. I grow close to my women over these years. When they become adults, rational and sophisticated and educated, they enter the world withe the full knowledge that I exist, having never really heard anything to the contrary. As it should be.

5. Because adult women have children. You know how it works, women carry and bear children. As hard as some among you have tried to bastardize and destroy Dad’s perfect construct through cloning and attempts to include males in the child-birth process, it’s a woman’s privilege and responsibility to perpetuate the species. When adult women have children they’re statistically as likely to be little girls as anything else. And you all know how much I love little girls.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love little girls because they grow up to produce more little girls. It’s like how some of you might feel if you could eat chicken nuggets and after a few hours just produce more tasty chicken nuggets. Or how people who have Alzheimer’s and love movies must feel. Or maybe how it would feel if you loved heroin and found a way to supply yourself indefinitely with heroin through a living made entirely from shooting heroin. It’s all kind of the same thing, I suppose.

But I think there must be something else, because while I do so love little girls I don’t love teenagers or adult women quite as much. I wish I could just put a finger on it, to know why I have so much love for those smallest among you. Perhaps it’s because they are too weak to always take care of themselves – I can admit to having a proclivity toward assisting the least capable of your numbers. Maybe I just like their fascination with the world around them. While little boys – whom I also love so much you would never in your finite lifespans comprehend – are inquisitive and have many of the same traits as little girls, they’re as likely to shoot a butterfly as to study it. Then again it’s probably just the fact that little girls so darn cute they just want to make you go and die so they might have a chance at eternal happiness.

Yeah, but we tried that. It sucked the first time around.

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