Kathy Griffin is going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on September 20, 2007

I’m sure all of you have heard by now that Kathy Griffin, the notoriously untalented and ridiculously stupid pseudo-celebrity, chose to openly worship her Emmy as a false idol the other night during an acceptance speech. What you may not know is that her comments have gotten her banned from Heaven, which means that she’ll probably join most of you in Hell when she finally dies, alone, broke, and friendless. Statistically she could actually make it to Heaven, but she’d have to live to 114 and save around thirty souls per week to make up for breaking the First Commandment.

But this story isn’t all damnation. A Christian theater group has spoken out publicly against Griffin, and they have some important things to say. I wouldn’t normally take the time to even write about someone like Kathy, but in this case the message is important enough to warrant such attention, even if she is not.

From the article:

The Miracle Theater in Pigeon Forge spent $90,440 on a full-page advertisement in USA Today that ran nationally Monday, proclaiming enough is enough.

It pleases me to know that such stalwart supporters of good exist in America today. Spending ninety thousand dollars on an attack ad in USA Today is exactly what I would do if I was there to berate Griffin personally. Sure, that money could have been used to build a church, feed some homeless, spread Bibles throughout Africa, get some kids some shots, build a house for a poor family, adopt a mess of pound dogs, begin a prison outreach program, send a bunch of people to college, comfort those in their final years, or pay for advanced acting lessons, but this theater troupe chose the most responsible option available through which to make their money glorify God - they took out an expensive and far-reaching advertisement belittling and speaking out against a sinner. Nothing could be more Christ-like. Leave it to a bunch of actors to show you all the way.

More from the article:

Russ Hollingsworth, general manager of The Miracle Theater, said members of the theaters cast were tired of celebrities joking attitudes toward Jesus. The theater is sponsoring a petition on its Web site, www.miracletheater.com.

“When word reached our cast that a Hollywood celebrity had stood before TV cameras and said such vulgar things about Christ, they were incensed,” he said. “Its just not OK anymore to mock Christians and Jesus with impunity.”

Just for the record, I would like to point out that it has never been okay to mock me or the religion I revamped during my short life among you. Those who openly speak negatively about Christianity, even if their intention is comical or satirical in nature, should be spurned publicly by all God-fearing Christians. Good Christians should never associate with people who would speak poorly of God (except int he case of attempted conversion). They should never go to a movie starring actors who are Scientologists or other non-Christians. They should not attend speeches by muslims. They should not read websites written by people who aren’t intimately associated with God. They should regularly spend upwards of ninety thousand dollars to speak out against people with whom they do not agree. Their God is vengeful; so should they be vengeful.

You see, Mr. Hollingsworth is right. It is not OK to mock Christians and Jesus with impunity. As the Son of God I am one with God, and to mock me and what I stand for is to mock God Himself, which you should know by now is the fastest way to get yourself cast into Hell. Your job is not to make fun of me, even if you don’t believe in the Bible. Non-Christians have their place in the world too, and that’s to be quiet and peaceful and await your chance for conversion. It will come, and you will be glad to know me when it does. Because if you don’t I’m going to kill you in the worst way you can possibly ever imagine while your kids watch, then I’m going to separate you from them and throw you into Hell, where for the rest of eternity you’ll be able to hear your loved ones scream for mercy in the quiet moments between your own howls of excruciating agony.

That is just how much I love all of you. No matter how bad your transgressions, everyone will get at least one chance to know me in their lives. What can I say? I’m a people person.

Related Posts

• The Damned
• Who does God love more: Jordin or Blake?
• Burn, Patriots, Burn
• Heath Ledger is going to Hell
• It’s not a church shooting if it’s not a real church
• Jamie Lynn Spears is going to Hell
• Jenna Bush is going to Hell