Didn’t Kansas just get a lesson?

Posted by Jesus on May 10, 2007

It often surprises me exactly how little you all seem to care about Dad’s wrath. Less than one week ago He sent Kansas a nasty tornado and wiped an entire town off the map out of sheer vengeance. When was the last time you saw Him do that? More importantly, when was the last time He did it in America? Sure, I know, Katrina and all that, but the recent tornado was different. It was pointed directly at a group of people who were not involved in the sins for which the punishment was leveled. Katrina was meant to teach people in New Orleans a lesson about being heathens and hypocrites. The tornado in a little town in Kansas was to punish the people outside of that little town for allowing homosexuality to exist in Kansas. See the difference?

What’s shocking, though, is the continued commitment by some in Kansas to spite Dad. I’m talking of course about the Kansas Board of Education’s lifting of their abstinence-only sex ed policy. Instead of teaching the correct and Christian policy of abstinence, the school will now teach the students everything they’ll need to know about sex to properly and immediately damn themselves completely to the depths of the darkest and most filthy corners of the hottest, most violent, and most horrible hovel in the worst part of town at the corner of Bubbling Foreskin Lane and Flying Buzzard Puke Blvd. Way to go, Kansas.

From the article:

On a 6-3 vote, the board replaced the policies with one that recommends “abstinence plus” sex education programs and leaves it up to the state’s 296 school districts to decide whether to get parental permission.

The “abstinence plus” program stresses abstinence before marriage, while also urging schools to give students information about birth control and prevention of sexually transmitted diseases.

“It’s a matter of emphasis,” said chairman Bill Wagnon.

A matter of emphasis, eh Bill? So instead of saying, “if you have sex before you get married you’ll not only catch a disease that will make your nipples and gonads fall off but you’ll also have babies with AIDS and you’ll all go burn in Hell,” you’re now going to say, “if you have sex before marriage all of those things, but if you’re okay with that here are some condoms and short instructional video on their use?” Is that what I’m hearing, Bill? Is that what you mean by emphasis?

Well, let me emphasize this to you, Kansas Board of Education: you are all hereby decreed as permanently and unequivocally banned from calling yourselves Christians, and will moreover be extradited immediately upon your deaths to Hell, where you will be remanded for a term of no less than three consecutive eternity sentences. If I had a gavel I’d bang it. There. I just made the gavel bang in a crowded courtroom in Topeka. That should suffice.

Nine more damned from the school board, plus at least three hundred students, and of course Judith Dadd from earlier today, plus the six hundred people who look like her, and finally the fifty-two staffers split between law firms and the school board, and that’s just in one day - I’d say my quota is just about met for the week. If you don’t see me around tomorrow you’ll know why.

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