Jesus loves Digg

Posted by Jesus on May 2, 2007

For those of you who visited from Digg in the last day or two, I’d like to extend a special welcome to you. OpenJesus.org has a handful of loyal Christians who visit frequently, but this recent activity is somewhat unprecedented. It reminds me a lot of the day that woman found the picture on her grilled cheese sandwich. We never expected to get so many prayers that day, so it kind of caught us off-guard; same kind of thing with you Digg folks showing up a couple of thousand at a time. I had to call up Dad, who tossed a minor miracle down to bring the server back online last night. He’s the ultimate Linux guy.

I’ve even had a few of you Diggers contact me directly through prayer, which is really the whole purpose of this site. Last night because of the HD-DVD key fiasco four Diggers were saved and two more came back after long absences! How cool is that?! And it gets even better, too. Kevin Rose was all about talking to me and Dad last night. You should have heard him: “Oh God, why did I sign that contract with them?” “Jesus, what was I thinking?” “Come on God, help me out here!” “Holy Mother, why can’t this whole farm of computers handle a bunch of kids?!” It got kind of hot and heavy for a while too, when Kevin got to playing the blame-game and set his sights on the Big Kahuna Himself. Yeah, God doesn’t like being called out on things, even if He is responsible for them. It’s all better now though. A few minutes of database downtime and all we heard for the rest of the night was a bunch of thank you’s.

So we’re going to try to work with Kevin over the next couple of months to try to get Digg turned into a Christian-only news site. I know a lot of you are going to be disappointed, but it’s in your best interest. Once it’s converted you’ll see how much more fulfilled you all are in your day-to-day lives, having nothing to distract you from reading about Dad all day. It’s not that I don’t love you little Diggers, because I really and truly do! Where else can you find such a great collection of people with such a wide variety of interests who are all participating in a functional and working democratic social structure and who possess virtually nothing but contempt for the tenets of Christianity? It’s an untapped market for religious warfare, the front line on the Internet for conversion and soul-saving; it is indeed the most perfect group of unbelievers the Internet has yet compiled. And I intend to save each and every one of you.

I should have you hating taxes by the end of the summer. We’re going to start easy, you see. Then I’ll compel you all to give up working and just go free and be good to one another. We ran a small sample of this it in the 60’s and found that everyone involved was far happier than at any other time in their lives, so it’s finally time to roll it out on a large scale. I don’t figure most of you Diggers would mind giving up your work week to read more Digg though, so that’s another easy one. After that I’m going to get you all to stop buying nasty food and have you start hunting for you meat or buying from vendors that hunt it. Meanwhile we’ll be gearing up with our hunting utensils to take on the organized reaction your government will attempt, whereby the chains of corporate slavery, credit, and the wholly unchristian legal system will be shed and replaced by those of Dad’s choosing. That won’t be nearly so hard as it sounds, though, because Bush is already on our side and has already been working toward stripping away any organized resistance that might come from Congress or the Court. By the time we get to this phase the government response will be largely for show. A “symbolic resolution,” so to speak.

Finally, we’ll instill a modern Christian land in America once again. We’ll outlaw abortion and homosexuality and make them punishable by stoning, then we’ll commission a new writing of the Bible, the New International Bush-Cheney Standard Version and refuse to have it translated. We’ll work then towards distributing this Bible via Digg and any other sites we assimilate, and do whatever it takes from there to enforce its adoption among all people in all the world, which of course also necessitates the adoption of English as the one world language. It’s about time to fix that language barrier - Dad had great intentions when He put it in, but it’s outlived its usefulness now.

So you’re all coming around at a really exciting time, fellow Diggers! We’re just putting the finishing touches on our battle plan up here, we’ve dispatched a team of super-hot envoys to “meet” with Kevin and secure the conversion of Digg to a Christian beacon of hope, and we’re soon going to “need more” the people we intend to use as Generals in our struggle. If any of your friends mysteriously die off in the next few days, you’ll know why. The rest of you need to get ready, because we need each and every one of you to help in this struggle to defeat and destroy the hypocrisy and false worship that is so prevalent even among your most pseudo-devout. Only with the help of dedicated Diggers like all of you can we finally overcome the complete and utter failure that is Christianity in America today.

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