Jesus hears a Jew

Posted by Jesus on May 15, 2007

We had a huge BBQ last night at Dad’s place up on the hill. Man, does He know how to throw down! Spirit’s back, and He’s so happy at her return that he called an all-hands party. This is the guy who invented the story of the prodigal son, you’ll recall. The party was bigger than the one He threw when I came home, but only because there are more people in Heaven now than there were before. Of course mine lasted a year and a day, so in reality I won. Mom always wanted a daughter, but Dad needed a son.

And get this - you’re never gonna believe this - guess who I hung out with all night at the party…

Dr. Seuss!

Yes, really! I spent the evening chattering with the king of chatter himself! We had an absolutely perfect time, but then so did everyone, by proclamation of God. But it gets even better! How, you ask? How could it get any better than your personal Lord and Savior hanging out at a casual BBQ on the Hill where God lives laughing the hours away with Dr. freakin’ Seuss? Well, I’m going to tell you…

I showed him my children’s book! And he loved it!

Yes! Really! Dr. Seuss actually told me I should publish it here, for you guys! It’s so awesome that I couldn’t possibly give it to you all at once, for it would certainly and verily kill all of you. But just for tonight, and just because I’m so benevolent, I’ve got a piece of it here for you! So children, lower your barriers, let your logic float away, turn reason from your mind, and dedicate to me your blind devotion as I present to you one of my favorite sections of my epic children’s book, Chapter Four of Jesus Hears a Jew.

Jesus Hears a Jew
By Jesus Christ

Chapter Four: The Coming of the End-Times

Across the great seas and far, far away,
A man named Ahmed did toil away!
Toil and toil and toil and pray,
Then four more times, to earn his pay.

Then working quite late, far into the night,
Ahmed did learn to battle and fight.
His clan was ugly, mean, cruel, impolite,
But then one day he was bathed in Light!

“What light is this, which shines on me?”
Yelled Ahmed, bemused and hopping with glee!
“It feels so warm, like God’s own love!”
And the white light flowed, in waves, from above!

Much later black boots came crossing his bones,
Men in green counted, carried zeros, added ones.
“We got fifty three here,” a masked voice did say,
And poor Ahmed’s bones were thus filed away.

But it was in his heaven that Ahmed did stand,
Yukking it up while men dug through sand.
“We’re at the Gates and they’re all down there!
How lucky that was, their bombing affair!”

And then Ahmed turned and entered the gates,
Where he knew his bounty of virgins would wait.
He ran to his house and flew to his den,
Threw open his robes…and his virgins were men!

And that was the day Bad Ahmed was born,
He never would really have hurt anyone,
But realizing that God had damned him to Hell,
Caused our poor Ahmed to cry out in a wail,

“Jesus, you beautiful, wonderful man!
Why is it I just didn’t understand,
That you were the Light, the Truth, and the Way,
And now I will burn in a house full of gay!”

“But Jesus, I make you a promise this day,”
Continued poor Ahmed as his lips burned away,
“For all who may hear my story, when told,
Will rise up against you, the young, and the old!”

“We’ll talk to the commies, they hate you too,
And then we’ll get help from the mob and the Jews,
And one day we’ll all come and conquer your world,
And take what we’re owed, a bunch of little girls.”

But Jesus did hear Ahmed’s threat, and he moved,
He set up the Red, the White, and the Blue.
Then God sent His blessings and a nation was born,
With crosses and churches and football and porn!

And now stands a warrior, against bad guys galore,
The U. S. of A., God’s own magic sword.
He wields it with power, takes it straight to the stage,
For it is with this great sword that the battle will rage!

“The End-Times are coming!” came cries from below,
We’re paying attention, we reap what we sow!”
Then as God drew his sword and made ready His push,
The nation came together, behind His General, George Bush.

Coming soon:
Chapter Five: The Terrorists Strike Back

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