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"Do you realize that the only thing that gives democracy existence is sin? The absence of democracy is perfect obedience to god." ~Robert T. Lee

Jesus has a crush

Posted by Jerry Falwell on October 17, 2007

My friends, it is not often that one is asked to step in for the Son of God. It is an honor I accept with deep humility and unwavering dedication on those few occasions that Jesus sees within me the capacity to be his voice. That he would trust me, a poor, wretched sinner brought up to Heaven only by the grace of almighty God, is something I still grapple with today. Even such a fallible people as we are given great responsibility now and again in our own lives, and it is what one does with this responsibility that most reveals one’s true nature. Such responsibility rests with me today, as I have been tasked with preparing a short message for all of you in Jesus’ absence. To hell with that, though. I’ve got dirt!

Jesus has a crush…on a girl! I know some of you won’t understand the enormity of that, but it is a big deal. Anyone who has read the Old Testament is intimately aware of God’s view of women and their use. For those of you who haven’t read it, and I know that includes the vast majority of you, let’s just say that God isn’t particularly enlightened when it comes to the rights and recognition of females.

But enough about that; I’m here to tell you about the crush Jesus has on Christiane Amanpour, the Chief International Correspondent for CNN. No doubt most of you have probably never heard of her, but Jesus has. The Son of God sits up late into the night, sipping homemade wine and playing video games while her documentaries play on a nearby television. He glances over when something catches his attention, but mostly he listens. Her voice intoxicates him. Sometimes he just closes his eyes and listens with this beautiful look of peace on his wonderful face, especially when Amanpour talks about things like how many young Muslim boys were slaughtered defending Iran from the atheist hordes of Communist Russia.

That’s why he’s been gone lately. Not Amanpour, I mean. She’s married and Jesus respects that. The Son of God is away on business, though I’m not entirely sure what type. The talking heads on HNN are speculating that it has something to do with Russia and Mulsims. The lack of information from our typically open government has a lot of us more concerned for the safety of Israel.

I can’t imagine that Jesus would ever do something so silly as visiting Christiane Amanpour, a woman who has been somewhat outspoken against Israel over the years. God would not be happy about that. I got a pretty good talking-to from Him after I’d been here about a week regarding my interview for her documentary on fundamentalist Christians. It was a fantastic interview, He agreed, but that didn’t make it right. Amanpour is known for landing huge names though. Don’t count her out. She just might have an exclusive with Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I’m hesitant to say it, but I think his crush is that big.

Now we know there are a lot of prayers waiting for answers, and we’re real sorry about some of the things that have happened these last couple of days, but Moses says what Jesus is doing is very important. What ya’ll need to do is keep the prayers coming, because we’re working around the clock to handle the big ones and don’t want to see someone hurt because they think Jesus isn’t listening right now. And for you folks in Dallas, I’m personally real sorry. You would not believe how hard we tried to convince God to grant you guys a miracle against those lying, cheating, Hell-bound Patriots. He just doesn’t budge on no-work Sundays. If we’d called it in earlier, or if it had been a MNF game things would have been real different.

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