Jesus burns one

Posted by Jesus on August 23, 2007

A newspaper in Malaysia was recently forced to apologize after publishing a photo of me with a cigarette on the front page. Of course a number of people who make their living being offended spoke up, suggesting that I would never in a million years touch a cigarette. In fact, there are even calls for the paper to be closed down over the incident. The people taking offense at that are going to freaking love today’s entry.

Early in the Bible, and I do mean early in the Bible, God lays out some important rules on plants and animals. Let’s review them:

From the Bible:

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. (Genesis 1:29-30, King James Version)

Just so we’re clear, this is saying that God Himself made every plant, animal, and insect for you to use, and it’s no accident that this is laid out on the very first page of the Book. What this meant to me during my brief stay with you there on Earth was that I could enjoy a little tobacco after a meal if I was so inclined, and so I partook. It meant that I could drink mushroom tea on those occasions on which it suited me, so I partook. It meant that me and the disciples could pass around a reed stuffed full of hemp to ease our weary bones and lighten the mood while traveling long distances too, so of course we all partook. Judas always jacked up the rotation though.

What this means to you is that you should use whatever is available in whatever manner you see fit, so long as you do it in a manner which isn’t a direct violation of God’s Law. He gave you oil to burn and trees to build houses, diamonds to cherish and beets to hate. He also gave you tobacco to smoke and coca to chew. God made no convention suggesting that some things on Earth are good and others bad (with the single exception of a lone tree). It is Man who took His rules and blasphemed them, making some things difficult to obtain, if not altogether illegal.

But I wanted to be sure, so I scheduled a quick meeting with Him this morning to clarify. I woke up a bit early, checked up on some email, then zipped over to His place on the hill. Our meeting went something like this:

From a conversation with the Almighty God:

Me: “So did you really put everything on Earth there for them to use?”
Him: “Yup.”
Me: “Even the things they restrict, like marijuana and absinthe?”
Him: “Mmmmm-hmmmm.”
Me: “So what about people offended at the thought of me smoking?”
Him: “Hell.”
Me: “Seriously?”
Him: “Mmmmm-hmmmm.”
Me: “Ok, you wanna do this j then?”
Him: “Sure, let’s go shoot the back nine while we do this.”

Just so you know, I had Him by two strokes going into the 18th and He still managed to beat me by sixteen. You’d never think it was possible to shoot octuple-eagle unless you’ve seen it done.

The point I’m trying to make though is that none of you folks should really be offended by a picture of anyone doing anything, especially not something that was actually known to have happened. Sure I smoked a little tobacco now and again, and I certainly didn’t stop there. What else would you expect from the guy able to turn ordinary water into wine?

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