Jesus answers your emails

Posted by Jesus on December 20, 2007

It’s been a while since I’ve gone through your emails and responded personally to those of you crying out for my attention. As many of you have learned, I do not directly answer emails from mortals, as God has decreed that all of us in Heaven must move in the most mysterious ways possible. Email, He believes, just isn’t mysterious enough. What He’s failed to account for is that I now have a blog, so while I really can’t send people a direct email in response, I certainly can say a few words about the email I receive here. We have loopholes in Heaven too.

From: Sheila <smlewis@[redacted]>
To: Jesus Christ <jesus@openjesus.org>
Date: August 23, 2007
Subject: none

Cool that you pretend that you’re Jesus…you know, just a satire. I was wondering why you don’t post your given name and address since this is just a satire.

It’s cool that you pretend you’re a Christian, Sheila…you know, since it’s not really your eternal soul we’re talking about. I was wondering if you’d ever get around to reading, interpreting, and actually living the Bible as opposed to just using a few of your favorite passages to hate anyone who isn’t in your circle of friends.

You see, it’s more than satire, Sheila; this is life and death, end of the world, super important magical invisible power stuff. There are beings which you cannot see and cannot comprehend all around you, all of whom have more control over your life than you have. Invisible omnipotent monkeys are not the subject of satire, and it’s dangerous to assume that they are. As for my name and address, you can simply call me Jesus Christ of Nazareth, and I’m currently a tenant in the Daylight Building in downtown Heaven City, Heaven.

And tell Clay hi for me.

From: John <john@[redacted]>
To: Jesus Christ <jesus@openjesus.org>
Date: October 24, 2007
Subject: ???

I actually ran across this while looking for something else, seeing the name one would assume that it was of interest…And I am wondering what yourself proclaimed mission is…Your voice is NOT the voice of the Lord…you are in a position to cause mass confusion among the young in Christ…and I get the point that this is some kind of sick joke…is it in fact how you view God and self expression or is it the fact that you feel your own self superiority among the masses and your proving a point of how easy it can be to become worshipped???

Whoa there, John! Let’s not get carried away by trying to assume that someone as fallible as you knows my personal motivations. My voice certainly is not the voice of the Lord, because I am Jesus and my Dad is the Lord. My voice is my own, and His is His own. Sometimes I don’t understand why so many of you are so confused by that. Of course I don’t understand why so many of you are confused by punctuation either, but hey, I’m just the Son of God.

The tone of your email clearly indicates that you don’t care for what I’m doing, and I assume that it’s because you, like the vast majority of American “Christians,” simply don’t understand me. My goal is not to cause mass confusion among any group, but if the young in Christ are so incapable of independent thought as to follow this blog literally, then all the better! If there’s one thing I value in a human it’s suspension of reason and critical thinking. When faced with the truth that they either must believe in me with no proof whatsoever or burn for all eternity in a pit of fire, I tend to think that most intelligent people will choose the option promoting survival through blind faith.

I don’t have to prove any point about being worshiped though. You did, after all, seek me out.

From: Steve <steve@[redacted]>
To: Jesus Christ <jesus@openjesus.org>
Date: November 7, 2007
Subject: eternal soul check

Jesus,

I was just curious where I stand with the eternal soul check? Thanks for your time.

Steve

Hi Steve, I’m glad you wrote. I don’t normally respond personally to eternity checks, because to be honest all but a very small group of you need nothing more than the standard “you’re going to Hell” form letter and I save a lot of time ignoring you. In your case I’ve decided to make an exception and tell you personally that you’re going to Hell though, and because I’m such a wonderful saviour I’ll even tell you why!

Steve, you didn’t stone that little boy in the supermarket to death earlier this year when he was obviously disobeying and disrespecting his parents. You’ve cut your hair, looked lustfully at women (including that coworker you keep praying to me about), refused to give your local church their 10% due, own property, work and watch TV on the Sabbath, and have openly mocked God. You belittle messengers such as Pat Robertson, believe that muslims are people too, read books other than the Bible, and do not hold among your highest charges God’s own mandate that you procreate repeatedly. There are so very many things which are certain to damn you to an eternity of torment and pain that I could not possibly list them all here today, but you can rest easy now knowing that you do not stand a chance at getting into Heaven unless you either do something worthy of a Jesus Jackpot or become President of the United States. It’s a short life, but you might as well know what you’re up against so you can enjoy what you have left before you go to Hell.

From: Patrick <pcpme@[redacted]>
To: Jesus Christ <jesus@openjesus.org>
Date: December 16, 2007
Subject: rad

that is the only word i can use to describe your blog.

i’m working on a hip-hop concept album about the second coming of christ, and how the introduction of such a character into our society at this point in time could cause some seriously lucrative business oppurtunites for all of the right people.

the right people being the ones that you, apparently, pick out.

i’ll send you some tracks.

i’d love to have you record some sort of excerpt of a writing via speaker phone in my studio.

Thanks for writing, Patrick. I’ve been following your progress for a while now, and I must say that I’m still a bit confused. You have some rather interesting ideas, but my return is not likely to bring any type of financial windfall to any living thing. In fact, once the Second Coming has begun you can count on complete devastation and ruin of all world economies. No one wants to invest while everything is engulfed in God’s Wrath. Ergo, no one will get rich!

You should change your album to reflect the truth of the rapture. If it happened today there would be a total of nine individuals plucked from your lands before God burned everything else up. After that, there would be only suffering.

I’m all about collaboration though. Lay some tracks on me and I’ll work you up a reading. I’ve been waiting for over two thousand years for someone to approach me about a guest spot on their album. It looked for sure like Diddy was going to call last year, but it just didn’t pan out.

For all of you who wrote me but did not get your email addressed, do not fret. It does not mean that I have forsaken you or that you will not receive a response. Many of you have indeed already received your answers, despite your inability to recognize them for what they are. We know you have a choice in religious beliefs, and we’d like to thank you for choosing Christianity as your all-encompassing set of answers. Your prayers and emails are very important to us, and will be addressed in the order that we see fit to answer them. Thank you all again for choosing me as your personal Lord and Saviour, and I look forward to seeing you all very soon.

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• Jesus answers your emails (part 2)
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• Jesus answers your emails (part 4)
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