Jenna Bush is going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on September 26, 2007

There is sorrow in the White House today. God put on a suit this morning and visited George Bush in his office, something He tries to do at least once a month when America is at war. This morning’s visit wasn’t about muslim-killing strategy or earmarking more funds for religious indoctrination programs in schools though. It was something far more depressing. Jenna Bush is going to Hell.

God felt inclined to tell George Himself, as opposed to sending one of His many messengers. Jenna has written a book, you see, and in this book she supports the damnable position that abstinence-only sexual education should be replaced with an approach favoring condoms and other safe-sex and disease prevention techniques. Programs which pass out condoms and sex toys to children are not Christian in nature, so therefore she’s wrong.

Jenna Bush takes it off That alone is enough to get her into deep doodoo, but it’s not the real reason she’s being damned to Hell. We all know that her father, the Great and Honorable President of the United States, Commander in Chief of the strongest and most Christian military force the world has ever known, and seeker of all things related to God has decreed that the USA is to teach a Heavenly-sanctioned program comprised solely of abstinence education. For Jenna to break ranks with her own family, especially when the Bible is so clear about the expected behavior of children, is a complete affront to God. During their meeting earlier God recommended strongly to George that he set an example by stoning her to death on the South Lawn at sundown, but George waived his fatherly duties in the presence of the Almighty. George asked God to do what He thought was best, and God comforted His weeping friend while Laura fetched them things like tissues and apricots.

It really is unfortunate, the sacrifices made by those in this Administration. Cancer for Tony Snow, Hell for Cheney’s fag daughter, and now George’s daughter has been cast from the sight of God for refusing her obligation to be obedient to her father. He works in mysterious ways though; I’m sure there’s a bigger plan in the works here somewhere. Remember that a long time ago God tested Abraham by asking him to kill his own son. It’s not completely out of the question for God to be doing something somewhat similar here.

Either way, the memo just landed on my desk. Jenna Bush is to be entered into the book of the damned, and will be denied entry to Heaven upon her death. We weren’t given any specific instructions as to where exactly in Hell she would be going, but the general consensus among politically-minded folks here in H.C. is that she’s probably going to get set up somewhere on the Lake of Boiling Pus, which as we all know is basically a country club for people who have to spend time in Hell. It’s pretty much like living on Lake Travis near Austin in the summertime, except it smells a little worse. I don’t pretend to know whether that’s really fair or not, when so many down there are in so much agony, but I guess that’s why, in the end, we all fall back on God for guidance.

Share and Enjoy: