Jamie Lynn Spears is going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on December 21, 2007

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, Jamie Lynn Spears, sister of megawhore pop sensation Britney Spears, has fornicated and shamed herself in the eyes of the Lord. For being a whore and a harlot, Jamie Lynn Spears will join the rest of her family in Hell. Maybe knowing that she’s going to burn in the most agonizing way possible for the rest of eternity will keep some idiot teen from spreading their thighs in the future. Maybe not. Either way, the message is simple: if you have sex before you are married in a church under the watchful eye of God, you will absolutely and without question go to Hell.

Of course this incident is not surprising for the Spears family. Britney was exchanging fellatio for parts as young as twelve. Her admittance to the Mickey Mouse Club was solely based on her ability to take on six or eight executives at a time. Her first album would have bombed if not for her relentless whoring around radio stations and record stores. To this day Britney still keeps up her hidden sex rooms, just in case someone from Hollywood shows up with a script demanding a chunky, washed-up bimbo.

Their mother Lynne isn’t much better. A book she was writing on parenting has recently been “delayed indefinitely” as a result of Jamie Lynn’s premarital sin. No one really wanted to read two hundred pages about how best to teach your children to screw their way to success anyway. Most of your kids come out of high school with plenty of expertise on the topic as it is, so parenting them toward a more sinful future isn’t all that necessary anymore. Still, if you really do want to condemn your children to an eternity of torture in the absolute worst place even God can imagine, then by all means let them spend their days emulating those spoiled filthy monkey whores Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears, and encourage them to spend their nights having unprotected sex with disease-ridden roadies and stagehands.

In the meantime I hear Satan is preparing yet another room at the Spears Memorial Hotel for Jamie Lynn. From what I understand he is cooking up some dastardly punishments, such as never allowing either of the Spears sisters to ever have sex again while they’re spending their eternity in Hell. To megawhores such as the Spears girls very little could be worse. Then again, I hear Satan’s taking it a step further by introducing children into their eternal punishment. They say that Hell is just a collection of your biggest fears and failures all being thrown at you for every minute of every day for the rest of eternity. Making the Spears girls be parents would seem like a fitting punishment.

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