It’s not a scam, it’s Jesus!

Posted by Jesus on May 22, 2007

I just wanted to clear something up, since a lot of you have prayed in about it in the last few days. If you’ve gotten a telephone call or a message from the Awards and Claims Center or from 866-405-2179 please follow the instructions left on your recorder and call the person back at the number left for you. These people are indeed telemarketers, but they’ve been hired by Heaven to try to save your souls. Sure, they’re claiming that you’ve won a Cadillac or a flat screen TV or some cash or a trip, but in reality you’ve won something much, much better. You just have to call back!

I can hear it now though - but Jesus, they’re just scammers! I’m on the Do Not Call Registry, and they call me anyway! Do you think that God has to abide by the Do Not Call Registry? Scammers do, and that’s how you know these calls are real. No one in their right mind would ever launch a cold-call message campaign promising bogus prizes, because of course the U.S. FCC would leap swiftly into action against the company responsible for the scam. So many of you would fill out an online complaint with the FCC that they would have no choice but to take action, right?

So for all of you who are praying about what you think is just a really big phone scam, rest assured that it is in fact only me, Jesus, your personal Lord and Savior who is calling. I only want to love you, and I only ask that you love me in return. And give me your money. And do what I tell you. And be nicer to whores. That means you too, Rove.