Ignore the government, watch hockey!

Posted by Jesus on May 24, 2007

There’s a reason people get so worked up over sports. Within every organization, be it public, private, or government-run, there is corruption. The world is a completely and utterly unfair place, where politicians are usually elected based on lies and teeth whiteness and, once in power, prove themselves absolute scumbags by doing literally nothing that doesn’t put money in their pockets. Business executives flat-out ignore the fact that many of their products come with a toll in human lives because of the payday. Even the U.S. Federal Government, the most powerful organization on the planet Earth, is so corrupt that its citizens will likely find themselves starving, destitute, and under attack from pretty much everyone else on the planet within only a few decades. Not to worry, though, the people who actually run the corporatocracy made something like 94% of all of the money last year. When all hell breaks loose they’ll all take in as many of you as they can to ensure that no one really, you know, starves to death because of their corruption.

In the midst of so much criminal behavior by those who are supposed to be maintaining the national and corporate directives, how is one supposed to live a life which contains joy? Hope? Forgiveness? Many of you work for these corrupt companies and government organizations, which means that in some small way many of you are actually contributing to the deaths of millions and millions of people who toil and suffer to ensure that your diamonds are sparkly, your water is clean, and your cars seat seventeen. How can you even live with yourselves in such a horrid and disgusting system? How is it that you get up every morning and go to work for an oil company or a big insurance firm, knowing full well that even though you’re only responsible for keeping a couple of Exchange servers running or helping design the new company newsletter you’re in-fact assisting an organization which views the money it makes as more important than the lives it ruins or rapes, yours included?

Well, I’ll tell you how you put up with such unfairness in the world. You watch sports. Well, some of you use other things, but for the most part you’re all hooked on sports because professional league play is the only fair thing you’ll really ever be exposed to in your lives. Think about it with me for a minute. Very few of you jump up and scream when a Congressman attaches $12.6 million to a war spending bill so he can name the trailer park from which his interstate meth operation operates after his retarded daughter, but if a ref in the NBA makes a dodgy call upwards of sixty million of you will simultaneously rise from your couches in protest. Why? Because everyone knows Congressmen are criminals. Everybody already accepts and realizes that the people who run the U.S.A. are in it for no other purpose than their own fame and fortune, even at the expense of the lives and health of the rest of the populace. Sports are different, though. They have rules and referees, and for the duration of the game these rules are enforced with real penalties which have a real impact on the game.

Sports give their audience an outlet for their frustration with the unfair nature of the rest of the world. This is precisely why bad calls in match play are so newsworthy - such unfairness has already bastardized all that is in the world, and for sports to become tainted with the stench of corruption is to deny the masses the one avenue left for real joy and happiness. Nobody in their right mind actually expects Nancy Pelosi or John McCain, or for that matter my own guy George Bush, to do anything whatsoever to enhance the lives of the normal citizen. Besides killing terrorists, none of these people have really ever done anything which hasn’t served their own interests first. Even then, most folks at the top are still getting rich in wartime. I guess sometimes their own corruption lines up with the needs of the people, and fairness is meted out in tiny little lumps of accidental coincidence. Hooray.

I mention all of this because I’m a huge fan of hockey, and the Stanley Cup series will begin next week. The NHL is one of those leagues where fairness has always been a top priority, even to the point of rewriting the rules once in a while to ensure such. It occurred to me the other night while I was deciding whether to will the Ducks to another overtime win that many of you would become far more involved with the corporations and governments if there were referees roaming the halls. I guess in a way you could say that the FCC and the SEC and the FBI even are the referees for these organizations, but that’s the equivalent of putting blind, three-legged goats wearing backpacks full of venomous snakes and cute striped shirts on roller skates and calling them NFL refs just because they’re on the field. Real life isn’t fair because even the referees in real life are corrupt and often plainly criminal in their behavior.

So I want all of you to remember this next time you’re watching your favorite team get the utter crap beat out of them. Sports are fair, and that’s why even in loss you should be graceful and show humility. Men are pitted against men within a web of rules which are used to determine a winner based on skill and ability, and gaming the system carries huge penalties and negative publicity. Politics and corporations are not fair, so when an individual or group at that level games the system it’s because they have a legal, although immoral, right to do so. In these cases you can do nothing about their transgressions. Whining to a referee or other law enforcement agency only compounds the problem. Your only option is to hope that the goals of those in power somehow line up with your own, because there are no striped shirts to keep things even, there are no video replays to ensure that the right call was made, and there certainly are no penalty shots or free throws when someone at that level screws you or your neighborhood or even a whole continent over.

And that, my children, is why you should all be sports fans. In a world so full of teams which don’t play fair within a construct of rules which were designed by criminals to assist only criminals, the only way many of you will ever see fairness is by watching sports. It’s a sad and vicious reality, but that’s the way Dad wanted it. I hope to see you all at Game 1 between the Ducks and Senators next week, because in all fairness it’s going to be a real doozy of an event. If nothing else you’re guaranteed not to see one coach deploy his NHL team against a Pee-Wee league inner-city group of toddlers who can’t afford more than a handful of sticks for the purpose of building a rink in their slum or for cheap and plentiful ice.

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