I’d like to teach the world

Posted by Jesus on April 12, 2007

My good friend and chief counsel Moses brought a little article to my attention a couple of weeks ago which I’d like to talk about today. An Italian filmmaker, Claudio Malaponti, has decided that if I were alive today I might endorse Coca-Cola. In his upcoming documentary “Seven Kilometers From Jerusalem” I am portrayed as enjoying the beverage, something which has kind of ticked off the Coca-Cola executives. More importantly, it’s kind of ticked off your personal Lord and Savior.

I come here every day except Saturday to tell you all to ask what I would do and to be more like me. I expect that when you follow those orders you will do so without injecting your own personal feelings into the matter. If you want to make a statement about commercialism you should do it on your own time, and not when you’re trying to emulate me or making a movie about me emulating myself.

From the article:

“The Pope did not object to the Coca-Cola scene,” Malaponti said. “It is a coherent part of a film in which Jesus is portrayed as the greatest communicator of all time. This is a profoundly religious film.

But company officials are adamant that the scene portrays the soda-maker in a negative light. “We are not interested in this kind of product placement,” a spokeswoman for the company told the paper.

In the scene, an ad executive offers a thirsty Jesus the can of Coke. When Christ gulps it down, the executive exclaims: “My God what a testimonial!”

The Pope didn’t object because I’ve got him busy doing other things right now. This is one of those smaller matters that people like you should be able to take care of. And I’m not at all concerned about the people over at Coca-Cola, they’re largely damned for a whole list of previous offenses and have little to lose or gain in this matter. What does bother me is this whole idea that I would drink a beverage that I cannot share with those around me. The whole notion of a can as opposed to, say, a river or a large hollow gourd defies my own principles. When I was there I only drank what I could share, and I freely shared everything I had. A Coke can has a little-bitty hole from which to extract the thick, abrasive liquid. It’s hard to share something that only comes out a tiny little hole.

Now if I did decide to enjoy a Coke while there on Earth today (pay attention Malaponti) I would probably do so by making it rain the dark fluid. There’s nothing special about grabbing a can and taking a swig, a most un-Jesus-like action. Instead it would be an event, a miracle to end all miracles. In one swift sweep of my hand all who thirst would be doused in Coca-Cola; all engines and car batteries needing cleaning would be instantly rectified; all teeth needing extraction would dissolve and fade into nothing in mere seconds.

That is how Jesus would drink a Coke if Jesus drank Coke. I don’t though. I drink wine. Lots of it.

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