Hellfire roundup
Posted by Jesus on May 11, 2007
I’ll be absent this afternoon, so I’m just popping in for a few minutes to update you all on some late-breaking damnations. Mary Mag, Peter, and John have found the Holy Spirit and Dad and I will be meeting them later to arrange her return. Our agents caught up with Satan and put a stop to his plot to turn the water in Lake Heaven City bright red. The guy is sick, and we’re just lucky we got him. To fight Satan we all have to be right 100% of the time. He only has to be right once.
Today we’re just damning four people, and by this point I doubt we’ll even have to get into specific reasons for their sentences. You should be able to pick these out pretty easily. First we have Gene Robinson, the openly-gay bishop from the Episcopal church, then Giuliani once again, John Travolta for messing up his kid, and finally the CEO of Starbucks, Jim Donald.
Giuliani is going public, again, with his pro-abortion stance. We all know God doesn’t condone killing babies under any circumstances, and as such we are required by His Law to damn Giuliani to Hell for his transgression. It’s not a matter of will, you see, because to be honest I really kind of like the guy. He’s a pretty good leader who showed a lot of character when Dad sent those Islamic nutbags to New York. The problem is that he’s been married more than once, is a supporter of the slaughter of babies, and is a liar. So he’s going to Hell.
John Travolta isn’t particularly murdering babies, but his idiotic Scientology beliefs have caused him to stop taking care of his autistic son. Seriously, people, what the heck are you all thinking down there? Scientology believes that some seventy or so million years ago a mythical being called Xenu brought a bunch of people to Earth on ships because the rest of the universe was overcrowded. They then planted nuclear bombs in the volcanoes and unloaded all of the people from the ships around the edges of the same volcanoes. When they detonated the bombs and blew everyone up it created a planet with way too many extra souls floating about, which they call thetans. People’s problems, they suggest, are the result of these thetans clinging to living people. Now I know that sometimes it’s hard to even believe that Dad exists, but how could anyone in their right mind buy that crap? Not only is Travolta damned for not taking care of his boy, but he’s also going to Hell on a rare special-ed pass for being too stupid to breathe without direct miraculous intervention every two seconds. I doubt Satan will be so wonderful as to provide that miracle so regularly as does Dad.
The third member of our quartet today is Gene Robinson. He’s already defied Dad over and over again by practicing that filth you call homosexuality while performing the duties of a bishop (for those of you keeping score, that’s a double-transgression with a triple blasphemy modifier for his buggering on church grounds), and now he’s making matters worse by planning a ceremony, during which he will suggest that Dad supports their union. I think there is actually talk of retribution during the ceremony, and I for one can’t wait to see what Dad has planned for these crazies.
And finally we have Jim Donalds, the CEO of Starbucks. After placing an obviously anti-Dad message on a coffee cup last week, the company decided not to repent and apologize for what was obviously just a big print-shop error. Oh no, they’ve instead decided to stand behind this atheist message. I just want to remind Jim and all of the other board members that Dad tends to frown on outright denial of Him from corporations. It’s especially dangerous for a company which employs a lot of souls because it is indeed possible to get your whole staff damned with the right dose of blasphemy.
And with that I’m off for Spain to pick up my sister. I’ll be back on Sunday with a new Jackpot and hopefully some good news from Earth. Until then, have a great weekend, my little sheep!
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