Has Pat Robertson lost his mind?

Posted by Jesus on November 8, 2007

Not two weeks after waxing emphatically about the wonderful service to mankind provided by Pat Roberton, he’s run off and made a fool of me again by endorsing Rudy Giuliani for President. But Rudy loves to see baby fetuses killed, enjoys nothing more than breaking marriage covenants with God, cross-dresses for pleasure, and holds fags in high regards. Somehow or another the most reasonable voice for God living among you now, Pat Robertson, has entered into collusion with a future Battalion Commander in Satan’s Army.

It was not expected, at least not by me. Of course the sheer fact that it happened this way means that God knew, because in the end it was God who caused our friend Pat to endorse the most dangerous Republican Presidential candidate the world has ever known. I suppose He probably has His reasons, so I’m going to hold off on damning Robertson straight to Hell, where many today believe he belongs for this idiotic decision. God can’t be wrong, though, so we’re waiting this one out. Eventually He will share in His wisdom.

That doesn’t mean I can’t damn Giuliani though.

Let me give you a little insight into the man you think you know. Rudy Giuliani has been working for Satan for the last 910 years, first as a courier, then as a chef, and then further up the chain until he finally landed his current job as the Ambassador General for Hell on Earth. During his tenure he has tortured hundreds of kittens, eaten more babies than can be found in an Iraqi orphanage, hobbled more veterans, burned more American flags, and caused the deaths of more firefighters and rescue workers than any other living spawn of Hell, and on top of all that he still found time to abandon his own wives and children. In terms of pure evil, Rudy Giuliani is one hell of an overachiever.

Giuliani lived with a gay couple some years back, during which time he also became gay. While gay, Rudy had sex with over four hundred men, none of whom he ever called the next morning. After he became straight again he had all of the gay men with whom he’d ever had heathen monkey sex killed so that none could tell the sordid details of his many filthy trysts. The funny part is that none of his lovers would ever have spoken out against Rudy, because to a man all of them felt that he had been the greatest lover they had ever known. Even in gay sex, Rudy Giuliani was the best that an ageless demon working on assignment for the Prince of Darkness could be.

Rudy also wears women’s clothing, and not just now and again. Every evening, when the cameras are off and the day’s sinning is done, Giuliani leaves his hideous human shell and returns to his true home, Hell. There he performs two shows nightly at the Mayoral Manlove, the hottest drag queen venue in the universe. Legend has it that Giuliani was actually discovered by Satan on that very stage all those years ago…

Giuliani’s kids don’t even like him. Many pundits suggest that it was the rocky marriages, Rudy’s preoccupation with his work, or his simply being a flaming queer which drove he and his kids apart, but the truth is far more shocking. Rudy Giuliani tortured and bombed every child his kids befriended from first through seventh grade. When the only tools you have are a waterboard and a detonator, every problem looks like a muslim.

Which brings me to the only redeeming element of Rudy’s pitiful life. Giuliani hates muslims more than anyone else in America, with the possible exceptions of Dick Cheney and Laura Bush. This is the real reason Pat Robertson chose him, and while his hatred of muslims might otherwise be good enough for a presidential endorsement, Rudy’s continuing work for Satan more than offsets such a noble and Christian path of torturing and bombing heretics.

I’ve dispatched a couple of different envoys to speak directly with Robertson about his silly choice, but have not yet heard back from them. My guess is that Satan has both he and Giuliani well-protected, and that my angels are en route to Guantanamo. Moses has freed up a couple of Special Forces teams though, so we’ll probably know more by the Sabbath. One way or another we’ll get to him, and we’ll set this straight. Otherwise I’ll have to do something unfortunate like damn Pat Robertson for going against God.

Then again I’ve not really asked God who He supports in the Presidential race. It could be that God is on the side of Giuliani as well, perhaps as something of a punishment to all of you. Maybe four years of the most sociopathic and brutal regime in US history would help convince you all to start finally hating gay people. You certainly didn’t pay attention to 9/11 as such, so maybe having a President with a domestic policy that begins with his taking all of your guns away will teach you to fear God.

That has to be it. God must have Robertson working directly for Him in getting Giuliani elected to punish you all with a brutal and hellish regime of your own. I can’t imagine it being anything else.

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