Governor Bill Richardson is going to Hell

Posted by Jesus on September 4, 2007

There are bound to be ten better things to tell you about today than the reason Dad and I decided to go ahead and put Presidential hopeful Bill Richardson on the fast track to The Pit, but I honestly can’t remember when we were so steamed about something that seemed so small. With the damning of the entire population of South Korea over the $20 million payout to the Taliban (who will use the money to kill American Christians), preachers paintballing kids on Halloween, and God’s practical jokes going too far, one might think there are more important things to discuss. And there are. But just like as your preacher sometimes delivers a boring and irrelevant sermon, so does Jesus get worked up about small and seemingly insignificant matters. The difference is that I can damn people. Today that’s Bill Richardson.

As you may have heard, a number of states are moving their primaries up to make their voting base more relevant in the upcoming elections. Iowa has traditionally been among the earliest voting states, and as such has receives more campaign dollars than many other states. Naturally these dollars invite competition, but that competition threatens to destabilize the entire election. Richardson doesn’t want any other states to go first since he’s poured so much money into his race there, but he recently crossed the line when he commented that he believes he speaks for God when he supports Iowa’s earlier primaries.

From the article:

“Iowa, for good reason, for constitutional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary,” Richardson, New Mexico’s governor, said at the Northwest Iowa Labor Council Picnic.

So Bill, exactly what reasons “relating to the Lord” are you talking about? Do you think that God prefers Iowa over, say, Texas? And who gave you the authority to speak for the Almighty? You do know that’s blasphemy, don’t you Bill? You do know that we don’t have any choice but to send you to Hell for that, right? You also know that your prominent stature in America also mandates that we take your family too, right? You just can’t have the kind of power to sway opinion like you do, Bill, and run off doing stupid crap like this.

I hate to do it because I’ve already damned so many this week (even though it’s a short week, too), but my hands are tied. It is hereby declared that Bill Richardson, upon death, will be remanded eternally to the pits of Hell, whereupon he will be incarcerated by Lucifer in the most horrible and agonizing manner conceivable. While there he will enjoy fine dining on the flesh of his friends, beautiful scenery to include the twice-daily stringing up of his favorite five pets, and all of the spectacular entertainment afforded to a person damned eternally to torment. Such is the punishment for speaking on God’s behalf without knowing Him.

Hey, I don’t write the rules; I just enforce them.

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