God still hates Larry “The Fag” Craig

Posted by Jesus on October 5, 2007

Yesterday a judge in Minnesota denied Senator Larry Craig’s attempt to withdraw his guilty plea in that sex sting earlier this year. For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, the Senator attempted to convince a police officer sitting in a bathroom stall next to his to have gay sex with him, then pleaded guilty to the crime after he was arrested. Somehow he still thinks he’s going to beat the charges though, which is rather impossible considering how much God has it out for him.

In fact, this latest setback in the life of this fudge-packing filthbucket comes directly from God Himself, who has proclaimed that from this point forward nothing will go right in life for Larry Craig. First off, he’s just lost his ability to withdraw his plea. That is going to set in motion a series of additional legal challenges from Craig, which will all also be lost. During one of the hearings God will attempt to remind the men in the room that they cannot allow another man to penetrate them by removing Senator Craig’s ability to control his bowels.

Senator Craig’s children are standing by him through this matter, but that won’t last. God has given every individual free will, and there will come a time when his kids realize that they must turn away from their gay father in order to have the slightest chance at eternity in Heaven. His wife hasn’t had sex with him in almost a decade, what with his being a fag and all, but she will continue to hold out and drift away as she rekindles her on-again off-again relationships with several of his staffers. Eventually this will become public and further disgrace him.

Craig is not having a problem finding gay sex partners at the moment due to his notoriety and the strange fascination so many gay men have with screwing a conservative Republican Senator who spent his career voting against gay interests. Right now he is getting about nine men a week, but that too will fade. Within a few months he will find himself cruising for male prostitutes after the pool of YouTube and news-junkie fags dries up. Of course he’ll inevitably get caught in the act of soliciting anonymous sex again when he takes to the streets, which will further send him over the edge.

And then, finally, after so many trials and tribulations, Craig will resign from the Senate in disgrace. He will eventually come to realize that the United States of America, being a nation founded on good Christian values, has no place for elected officials who prefer gay sex.

Once out of the public eye, God can begin to really work Larry Craig over for his sins. And remember, God has things that even Viagra can’t cure. By the time Craig is finished pissing away his fortune on a crystal meth addiction he’ll be too weak and broken to even receive sex, assuming by that point anyone would even share a bathroom with him.

Before his self-imposed exile to Thailand, where even God won’t look for him, Craig will share his punishments with a captivated audience of television viewers in an exclusive interview on Larry King Live. He will still claim to not be gay, despite the dozens of sex tapes that will have inevitably leaked by that point. People across the nation will then see, in vivid detail, the degree to which God hates fags. Larry Craig will become an example to all of you that the dangers of violating God’s perfect Will are numerous and horrible.

In the end, of course, Larry Craig will burn in Hell.

We talk a lot here at openjesus.org about damning people and eternal torment both on Earth and in Hell, but so often even I neglect to mention that such punishments can and often are avoided. Life could also be very different if Senator Craig would just admit and renounce his homosexuality and begin a new life as a servant of God. Homosexuality is abhorrent to God, but because it is a choice and a disease it can be cured. At his age it’s virtually impossible for him to make a run at Heaven, but he can certainly make the remainder of his life on Earth more pleasant and ensure that he gets a better room in Hell when his time is up. He could potentially keep his kids and his wife, and even his Senate job, but doing so will require him to submit repeated legislation banning homosexual behavior in America under threat of torture and death, the way God intended it.

I wouldn’t count on it though. God has already begin the punishment phase of Craig’s life by convincing the judge to rule against him, and once God is engaged in screwing your life up it’s hard to break His concentration. It can be done though, but no amount of lawyers is going to help. He’s going to need to come to me if he wants to get out of this, and I am only too willing to assist. All I’m asking for is a few pieces of legislation, and I’ll be more than happy to attempt an intervention on his behalf. If not, no big deal. One way or another, fags will get what’s coming to them.

See also:

Senator Larry Craig is a fag, so God hates him

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