God needed the pizza party kids more

Posted by Jesus on October 10, 2007

The news out of Wisconsin is grim. Tyler Peterson, a 20 year-old sheriff’s deputy, carried his department-issued assault rifle into a house occupied by seven of his friends and shot them all. Six are dead. One survived by playing dead. The killer is dead, the town is a wreck, and the healing is only just beginning. So many have called on me to answer questions of why and how can this happen that I feel compelled to explain this once again. God simply needed them more. Most of them, at least.

Have you ever noticed how “Christians” among you always praise Dad when things go well in their lives? For instance, Jeff Greef over in Delaware just busted his butt for three days to put together a real estate deal worth thousands of dollars, and yesterday when it closed he gave one hundred percent of the credit to God. Never mind the fact that he worked phones, pumped hands, fronted the cash, and brought the lawyers on-board; whenever something good happens in the life of a Christian they always seem to turn immediately to God as the reason. And they’re right!

The problem is that these same people don’t generally look to God when disaster strikes. I’ve said it here before a dozen times, and I’ll say it again - nothing at all happens on the planet Earth without God planning and executing it. When tornadoes rip church roofs off, it’s God. When planes fly into buildings and incite war, that was God too. When children drink draino it’s because God led them to it. When a sheriff’s deputy storms a house full of teens and young adults with an assault rifle, you can bet your bottom dollar that God is right there with him pulling the trigger.

That’s how faith works, you see. You can’t just go around attributing all of the good things in the world to your vengeful God while systematically ignoring the lessons He sends unto you. That just makes Him mad, and when He gets mad you get cancer, or even worse.

Lindsey Stahl was only 14. Jordanne Murray, Lianna Thomas, and Katrina McCorkle were 18. Aaron Smith and Bradley Schultz were 20. All of them were killed, some of them while hiding or trying to hide. It was of little use, though. God sees all. Charlie Neitzel, who is 21, survived after being shot several times. God has plans for him yet, so he’ll recover and tell his tale. The big question is whether or not he’ll mention the angels he saw surrounding Tyler Peterson, leading him to the hiding girls and pushing him to continue squeezing the trigger.

Of the six teens killed, two will enter Heaven. The other four simply did not lead lives conducive to salvation, but I shouldn’t have to go into detail about their eternal destination. The killer himself will also enter Heaven, but on a work program designed to tap his law enforcement background. There is a long-standing relationship between God’s elite police angels and your street-level officers, which Peterson will bolster as a special liaison.

You see, when orders came from Heaven to execute everyone in the house, Peterson didn’t hesitate, even though he knew that his actions were wrong according to Earth law. He gave up his relationship with his police buddies to forge a new relationship with God’s police buddies, which we know was not an easy thing to do. Despite his life’s work not being adequate to gain entry into Heaven, Peterson has been given this special commission due to his unflinching devotion to God in matters of justice distribution. In fact, his training began yesterday, and I’ve got to tell you that he’s one of the most promising candidates we’ve seen in generations. He’s likely to be running his own Angel Death Squad by the time our envoy in America, George Bush, begins sending soldiers into Iran. Either way, there’s plenty of work for a guy with his credentials.

The others are being shipped to their various destinations this morning. Lindsey and Lianna will be put up in the Heaven City Hilton until more comfortable lodging can be arranged, and the others are meeting with counselors before boarding the train to Hell. In years past I would take the time to speak with them myself, but there are just so many souls passing through here anymore that I simply can’t offer the personal touch so many have come to expect from your personal Lord and Savior. Our counselors are great though. You’ll see when your time comes.