God Hates Fags

Posted by Jesus on March 25, 2007

It is often disappointing to us up here in Heaven when one of our true believers is shunned or ridiculed for following the faith so closely. Sometimes these people are labeled fundamentalists or fanatical, which I suppose should be a badge of honor. I mean, how can one expect to get to Heaven unless one follows some fundamentals? Would that not make one a fundamentalist? Then would it not make sense to say that one cannot get to Heaven unless one follows the fundamental beliefs of the faith, and thus one cannot get to Heaven unless one is a fundamentalist? See how that works?

In any case, the latest recipient of our Jesus Jackpot award is one of these very fundamentalists and someone most of you have heard of by now, pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church. If you’ve not heard of this Patriot for God you should begin paying attention, because this is one of the guys who will be leading you home, should you really want to come. In much the same way that your religious leaders attributed September 11th and Hurricane Katrina to Dad being upset about homosexuality and tolerance of other behaviors, Phelps points out that those men and women coming home from Iraq in body bags are Dad’s direct punishment for the allowance of homosexuality in America. In fact, he and his congregation feel so strongly about their cause that they protest at the funerals of the fallen soldiers.

Despite numerous laws aimed at protecting funerals from the truth, such as this one passed just days ago, Phelps and company intend to keep protesting. Even when the law goes against them, and it does go against so many of my followers these days, Westboro continues the crusade like the great Christians that they are.

In recognition of the awarding of the Jesus Jackpot award to Fred Phelps, I would like all of you to think today on how Dad really feels about fags. Do you believe that He loves them all, in the same way that He loves those of you who love Him in return and do, for the most part, what He commands? I mean, really, let’s think about this a minute. Let’s say that you have two dogs, both male; one of them knows how to sit, stay, come, roll over, give you love, shake, speak, and can testify to other dogs about your ever-loving perfection. The other dog ignores you, and because you afflict him with fairly regular punishment for ignoring you, chooses to roam around the neighborhood and have dog sex with all of the other male dogs he meets. Which one are you going to love more? Which one are you going to love at all?

And I know a lot of you out there don’t like homosexuals any more than Phelps, but you’re certainly not out doing anything about it. I’ve heard thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of you pray about how much you dislike his protesting at the funerals of the heroes of this war. First of all, under no circumstances whatsoever can a muslim kill a Christian without our allowing it up here in Heaven. For that matter, a gang of Satan-worshiping bikers can’t gang-rape a Sunday school class without our allowing it. Still, it stands to reason that if a muslim kills an American for any reason, particularly one who is serving Dad so valiantly in this war, then you can bet that there’s a message attached. I’m not going to specifically say one way or another whether or not Phelps has the message perfect, but he is getting a pass to Heaven today, so you make the call.

The Bible tells all of you specifically to go out and spread the Word of God, and sometimes that message is not pretty. There are times when you as a Christian have to lay down the niceties and let people know that what they’re doing is wrong. This is one of those times. Right now a small group of Christians is taking it upon themselves to make the entire nation aware of the danger of this path to normalizing homosexuality, and as a result have come under heavy verbal fire from the bulk of the population. Will you stand with them, children, to get this message to the masses? Will you take up the charge and stand with Earth’s latest guaranteed representative to Heaven, Fred Phelps? If you want a good shot at eternal life I think you will.

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