About the Damnation Level

Posted by Jesus on March 14, 2007

A few readers prayed in this morning to ask about the Damnation Level images at the bottom of every post. Apparently they’re causing some confusion among the masses, so I thought that today, instead of damning someone or discussing matters of faith, I’d just talk about your eternal soul and how it is impacted by this highly usable and easy-to-follow alert scale.

If you’ve lived in America for any amount of time you’re likely to have heard of 9/11. Following these terror attacks by radical Muslims, a large number of whom were from the as of yet unbombed nation of Saudi Arabia, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security instituted a color-coded terror alert system designed to keep the public informed and aware of threats to their well-being. They call this the Homeland Security Advisory System, and it is among the greatest concepts ever to emerge from the mind of a mortal and God-fearing human. Nothing else even comes close to paralleling what the term fear of God should mean to an individual as does this scale. Since Americans have responded so well to the official Homeland Security Advisory System, it was decided early-on that openjesus.org would reproduce to some degree the Department of Homeland Security’s own scale for use in the saving of souls. This is why we have the Damnation Level.

You will generally find the level at yellow, or the third of five tiers comprising an escalating scale of doomedness. Much like the official U.S. scale, there is no clear criteria according to which the alert level changes. If a particularly large number of you are being damned, if Dad’s having a really off day, or even if our voting committee just has a long backlog of cases to get through, you might see the alert go up. When it reaches the fourth level, or orange, you should make a point of abstaining from any particularly greivous sins, and should furthermore attune yourself more diligently to your surroundings. Any suspicious sinning, people who look like they may be prone to sudden and dangerous sinning, or even groups of people not sinning as the might normally sin should be reported via prayer immediately. There are a lot of souls lost every day as it is, and I can’t even begin to tell you how many additional ones get damned when even the thought of raising the Damnation Level is mentioned.

The top level, which is of course red, basically signals the end of the world, or at least a really good purging. This condition is reserved for instances of damnation which affect an entire race, species, or nation, and could also be used to denote the impending apocalypse. If ever you see the Damnation Alert set to this condition, it is advised that you immediately seek shelter, place your head between your legs, and pray until you either meet Saint Peter or we finish our business with the enemies of America. A red scale means that Heaven has formed a slingshot queue into Hell, and that the vast majority of arrivals to the gates will be placed directly into this queue. We’ve yet to make the mistake of placing an arrival into the wrong line, but when we’re handling the kind of volume associated with this level of damnation I wouldn’t want my followers to take any additional risks. For your own peace of mind, and so that I don’t have to later come bail you out, just don’t do anything that could get you into any trouble when this condition is red. If you aren’t absolutely needed at work or at church, feel free to tell your boss that Jesus asked you to stay home and pray. They’ll understand.

Of course there are also two levels below the common yellow, these being the “low” and “guarded” tiers which are colored green and blue, respectively. Unlike the system put forth by the Department of Homeland Security, you might actually see the Damnation Alert fall to one of these levels now and again. In general terms the lowest rank, green, is reserved for times when no sinning is happening anywhere. Its inclusion into the scale was debated initially because of this, and many still feel that having such an unrealistic level of damnation imposes what might be seen as a contrived sense of fear on the public. This is of course completely logical, and moreover completely true. Dad has never been one to beat around the bush when it comes to fear. A healthy dose of it is expected from our flock, as it keeps minds sharp and prayers flowing. Unless the scale is green, anyone on Earth has a significant chance of being damned at any moment, a point which should hover over the head of every American, cloud the judgment and rationalization of each person, and echo like the thunderous hooves of the coming horsemen in the ears of those who don’t want to burn forever in the horrible pits of Hell.

You may have noticed a few days ago that the level dropped to blue, or “guarded,” as a result of the awarding of the first Jesus Jackpot. I’m not going to say such a thing will be a regular occurance, because it won’t, but it makes a fine example of what kinds of things can bring the Damnation Level down. In the case of Rev. Patrick the level was lowered to blue in recognition of his commitment to antagonizing Baptists, many of whom were spared damnation simply as a result of his amusing me. I don’t really expect most of you to commit an act which sways the overall fortune of potentially hundreds of thousands or millions of eternal souls for a day, but if one of you does, and if it is properly prayed to my attention and verified, the whole planet might just get a slight repreive for a time.

Hopefully that clears up any confusion you may have about the Damnation Level. If not, you’re always welcome to pray some more about it. As you can see, our scale is largely just a ripoff of the DHS’s similar terror alert scale, except that because their scale was originally created at the beginning of time by Dad, we actually have a stronger claim to it than do they. Besides, our scale is a lot better. Rather than just telling you whether or not you might get blown to bits by some misguided idiot, we’ll let you know whether or not you have a good shot at getting into Heaven after that misguided idiot blows you up!

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