Cold War: Part II

Posted by Jesus on June 1, 2007

You know, I always wanted to kick the crap out of some Russians, and I know a lot of you did too back in the day. Fighting muslims is fine for a while, but this is the 21st century and we want to test some of our super new fighter jets and stealth drone tank-busting leaflet spreaders. We know our tanks can blow up people in robes, but how do they fare against other tanks? How about our boys on the ground in a more “conventional” war against a well-trained military force? It’s high time we found out!

Or if nothing else we should start talking about the upcoming fight we might have on our hands. We’ve laid down all sorts of military assets in the area around Russia and China, both of which are building a large and technologically advanced military infrastructure. Terrorists are bad enough, but we might very well be fighting Communists soon. The Reds. It appears that they’re back.

From the article:

The Russian foreign minister today declared that the Cold War arms race has restarted, 24 hours after Russia announced it had tested a missile capable of breaking through any planned US missile shield.

Welcome aboard, all of you who are too young to remember the original Cold War. For those of you just now joining us, this is where the U.S.A. and Russia start building all sorts of wicked nukes and counter-nukes, and where kids are taught to duck and cover in the schools. There’s been a treaty for years under which the U.S.A. and Russia were actually dismantling weapons, but with all of the new threats popping up and the emergence of new nuclear nations Russia feels that it’s time to fire up the factories again. Of course the U.S. will be more than happy to oblige.

I can’t really sanction the whole mess. While there are definite benefits to a new Cold War I don’t want you people concocting new nuclear devices. You’re getting downright nasty with the big bombs. It’s only a matter of time before one of you has a missile with sixty independent warheads, each of which creates a small wormhole which, after a brief moment of turning everything for a few square miles into spaghetti, blows up and scatters plague-carrying, suitcase-nuke backpack-wearing super monkeys to the wind on wings grafted at the genetic level from the DNA of recovered pterodactyl eggs.