Mmmmmm…Chocolate Jesus

Posted by Jesus on April 2, 2007

Well, for those of you who spent last night partying like we weren’t looking, April Fools. You’re not all really going to Heaven. In fact, as I’ve said before, not many of you are actually going at all. We’re going to overlook the really egregious things some of you folks did yesterday after reading the Jesus Jackpot, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re all in the right. Especially you Paolo Civaz. It was mean of us to make you think you were going to Heaven no matter what you did, but that’s no excuse for you to do those things to your cats. They didn’t deserve that.

But that’s not really what I want to talk about today. Instead we’ll be going over a pair of articles, both of which hold some importance in the world right now. Given the absolute number of people who have prayed in on this matter, and compounded by the number of people who have this whole situation wrong, I’ve decided that it’s mandatory that we discuss the naked chocolate Jesus statue and the Barack Obama as Jesus sculpture today instead of pointing out some of the more insane things a few of you did yesterday.

David Cordero, a college art major, created the Obama sculpture as part of his senior show. It’s obviously a reference to me, given the way that the robes are draped over the figure and the halo floating above his head. If anyone really knew how hard it can be to get a halo to float above one’s head they wouldn’t make nearly so much fun of it.

From the article:

“All of this is a response to what I’ve been witnessing and hearing, this idea that Barack is sort of a potential savior that might come and absolve the country of all its sins,” Mr. Cordero said. “In a lot of ways, it’s about caution in assigning all these inflated expectations on one individual, and expecting them to change something that many hands have shaped.”

Now I’m the first to understand a statement. I mean, I’m the guy who made pointing out the irony in a given situation popular. Still, maybe this is a little outside of good taste. The sculptor seems to have good intentions, and I can certainly respect his message - that Obama may not be the “savior” that people think he is - but it’s important to recognize the Biblical sense of what we’re dealing with. It’s specifically stated in th Commandments that no one should hold any false idols. This is one of those fringe cases, but Dad and I have convened on the matter and we’re in agreement that this sculpture represents just that. Now we’re not ready to assign blame to Mr. Cordero, he’s just a student and is still young, but in the future we hope he’ll know better than to break a Commandment for the purposes of making a political statement. It’s important that the work be destroyed though, so we’re calling on him to either do the right thing or ask a nice preacher in the area to do it for him. There’s a certain way we like false idols to be disposed of, so it’s better if the preacher handles it.

Now, as to the matter of the chocolate me. An artist named Cosimo Cavallaro created the confection to be displayed this week, and of course it’s causing something of a stir. What has really infuriated people, apparently, is the lack of a loincloth or other such covering. This giant chocolate Jesus is hanging on a cross, naked, for all to take in. With most of America now belonging to the “weenie” camp, it’s not surprising that some of you wussies are “offended.”

From the article:

A Manhattan gallery on Friday called off a planned exhibit of the 6-foot sculpture called “My Sweet Lord” amid a deluge of complaints from Catholics, including Cardinal Edward Egan.

They were offended by the confection, which does not include the loincloth typical in religious portrayals of Christ. Many also were outraged that the gallery planned to display the sculpture during Holy Week. The exhibit was to have run from Monday through Easter Sunday inside Manhattan’s Roger Smith Hotel.

Oh no, it’s a penis! Hide the kids, lock the doors, and call the FCC, quick! There’s nudity somewhere, and somehow someone might accidentally see it! What is is with modern Americans and this decency craze? Don’t get me wrong, I’m the first guy to get in line to chew on an adulterer or someone having sex before marriage, but nudity is one of those things which has been with us, well, forever. I know it’s going to infuriate a lot of Christians to know this, but when I was up there on that cross my clothes eventually did come off, both from having been torn to shreds and being weighed down with blood. I spent quite a bit of time out there in the elements naked throughout my life. If anything this sculpture has some degree of truth to it. I suppose in some small way I can understand why some folks might be a little bothered by the fact that this one is made of chocolate and not gold or platinum or something equally as worthy of my form, but I think artists should be given a broad mandate when choosing their materials. To me chocolate is as good a medium as any, and better than most.

What really bothers me about the sculpture is the anatomic incorrectness of it though. As I mentioned before, I did spend a good bit of my time on Earth naked, and so there does exist at least a couple of descriptions of my form. The least Cavallero could have done was dig some of these up and try to make my junk look better. There was certainly a lot more of Jesus in life than there is in chocolate. What else would you expect from the perfect human?

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