Bong Hits 4 Jesus

Posted by Jesus on March 20, 2007

Today’s story is one that has been getting a lot of attention in your mainstream media, the Bong Hits 4 Jesus sign and its meteoric rise to your top court. It seems that back in 2002, when the Olympic Torch was moving through a town in Alaska, a student named Joseph Frederick unfurled a banner with those words written up on it and received a suspension from his high school principal, Deborah Morse, as a result. Right now the case is being argued in front of the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

I suppose it is really a Constitutional matter, that which deals with free speech and how far a school may go in silencing unpopular or illegal stances on topics ranging today from drugs to religion, and abortion to homosexuality tomorrow. And while the court argues these minor details, only one person involved in the whole process has actually taken the time to ask me how I feel about the matter. Yep, you heard that right - 363 people involved at what I call the top level, from judges to aides to lawyers to fact-checkers to clerks, school administrators and politicians and nonprofit organization heads to students, and only one of them has stopped and asked what would Jesus do?

Well, let me tell you. This case is a fraud. Everyone is so concerned about whether or not the school should be allowed to squelch what some consider to be speech which condones illegal activity that no one has bothered to look into Biblical precedent on the phrase in question. You see, being against any the burning and inhalation of any plant on the planet is wrong and is an abomination against Dad. It’s been made clear time and time again that what you have you were given for a reason. You were not given marijuana to use as a tool to separate some people from others and to otherwise disseminate control, fear, misinformation, and sin - quite the contrary. You were given marijuana to burn and inhale, or to eat, or to make clothes from, or to do whatever else you can find to do with it. The fact that it exists means that it was put there by God. Shouldn’t a Christian who truly believes that their salvation begins and ends with upholding God’s law above all others see that continued support for this war on one of Dad’s plants is not only a lost cause, but will likely end up as a big red FAILED mark on their grade sheet come judgment day? I think that maybe they should…

That’s not the case today though. The vast majority of my flock believe that I would somehow come down against this plant and its medicinal properties, and that I would moreover be infuriated at Joseph Frederick for daring to place bong hits and me on the same line of text. Let me make this entirely clear - I’m a million times more likely to send someone to Hell for blowing someone up over their idiot take on religion or beating up an abortion doctor in my name than I am to send someone to Hell for holding up a sign suggesting that I might condone bong hits. In fact, and just so you know, I support the use of drugs, each and every one of them on the entire planet, even the vast majority of those which you have yet to discover. We wouldn’t have told you to use everything there if it were an unsupported position. I might not jump in line for bong hits, but I can’t complain as to the cause. Anything done 4 Jesus, so long as its not expressly forbidden in the Book, is perfectly alright by me. And even if it weren’t, that’s why we created forgiveness.

Americans, your government is the one telling you how to feel on this matter, not God. Unfortunately you’re all largely very wrong and, like everything else you do, your actions and thoughts on this topic will be counted toward or against your chances of salvation. You have a definitive opinion on the matter now, so I’d suggest you take it to heart. You don’t have to personally use each and every plant or substance placed on the Earth at an individual level, but you do have to respect God’s system of doing things. When He says it’s there for your use, and you get in the way of someone using it, you are getting in God’s way. He doesn’t care for that much, you know?

The second point on the case today deals with free speech, or what you in America like to call free speech. Having been the victim of oppression while attempting to speak my mind, I can relate to the young man on this topic. People should be allowed to say what they think and feel without fearing repercussion from the state and further without fearing repercussion from what Mill calls the Tyranny of the Majority. Smart guy, that John Stuart, and one of the better Cricket players we have on the H.C. touring club right now. But let’s face it, flock, you’ve all turned into a bunch of whining, sniveling wussies! How can some of you be so damaged by what someone says that you feel compelled to bring ruin and disaster to their houses? There were far, far more people in my time saying far more offensive things to me than you should ever have to think about, yet you’ll find not one instance in the Bible of my filing a lawsuit or drawing up a complaint, or going on Bill O’Reilly to talk about how hurt and appalled I was. No, I turned the other cheek and went in search of things I could fix. I’ve heard more of you pray in this week about how you’re so offended that a kid would write that on his banner than I’ve had all year asking me to help Iraq renounce its Islamic roots and convert to Christianity. Which one do you really think is more important? Why not let the guy enjoy his right to say whatever he wants and get on about your business of being more like me, as opposed to placing your eternal salvation on hold in order to attack each and every individual with an unpopular sentiment with the full force of the law and your hate?

From the article:

“Illegal drugs and the glorification of the drug culture are profoundly serious problems for our nation,” [prosecutor Kenneth] Starr said as he argued that Frederick’s message promoted drugs and was “utterly inconsistent” with the basic educational mission of the school.

“The problem,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, “is that school boards these days take it upon themselves to broaden their mission well beyond ? illegal substances.” Justice Samuel Alito, too, appeared troubled that schools would try to suppress a large swath of speech.

Finally, I’d like to touch on the education system again just because it’s so commonly presented in this oh-so-terribly broken form these days. I’ve said it before here, and it has and does and always will apply - schools should be a place where people learn about the Bible and about God. If the education system in America weren’t so full of kids with a natural predisposition toward questioning authority and testing their limits, meaning that if the parents would actually raise their youngsters in a Biblical household, perhaps you’d all see a little more conformity at those levels where your decisions mean the difference between a natural disaster and a bountiful crop. Don’t think that just because we aren’t sending down angels to tell of our deeds or because you haven’t found some new scrolls detailing why certain storms hit certain places doesn’t mean we’re not sometimes punishing you for something stupid you’ve done. This business of teaching kids about evolution during first period and then telling them they can’t talk about a plant that Dad put there pretty much specifically for their use at a parade happening during fourth period outside of school property is a dangerous combination. Another couple of variables and the education system in America might become the first government-run system to ever violate all Ten Commandments simultaneously, a mark only held currently by two individuals (a monk from China in 1711 and a hairdresser currently serving twenty in Jersey).

So Christians, if you’re ready to take back America and end the natural disasters today would a good day to start. March on the Supreme Court and demand that they return to Biblical law to decide this and future cases. Either way they go otherwise on this matter is going to be against God, and nobody wants that kind of thing to become the status quo, right?