Beer church

Posted by Jesus on March 11, 2007

I want to start today by thanking all of the people who sent their prayers yesterday, on my day off. Dad doesn’t allow anyone to work in Heaven on the 7th Day, so they just stack up and we have to work extra hard come Sunday to pick up the slack. Add to that the fact that all of you silly Americans seem to want to go to church on what your calendar calls the first day, and you can bet that our Sunday mornings in Heaven City are just a big barrel of laughs. Think of it like your Monday mornings, but with a whole bunch of jet-ski accidents and burned-down houses smoking up your cubicle.

But you know what, I’m not here to complain today. Here at OpenJesus.org it’s all about change. Instead of spending my Sunday fuming over the backlog of prayers up here, I’m instituting a new weekly column. I’m going to call it A Jesus Jackpot. Catchy title, eh? That’s how things work up here, we’ve got some of the most creative minds you can imagine sitting around thinking this stuff up. If all else fails you can take the matter to Dad, who of course knew you were coming, had created the question and given it to you when He created you in the first place, and has the perfect answer for you. And when I say perfect, I don’t mean perfect as in “hey, that’s exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.” No, when Dad pulls out perfect, it’s perfect. Like the cosmos couldn’t exist and everything that is good would cease immediately if that answer wasn’t given to that question.

The Jesus Jackpot works thusly: every Sunday I’m going to pick a person and give them the ultimate golden parachute. A free ticket. The big enchilada. They’ll get to serve out the rest of their term on Earth, after which they’ll enter Heaven through the side door normally only reserved for Popes and U.S. Presidents. No grilling from Peter, no hazing from the Inquisitors in the Welcome Center, and no paperwork at the King James New-Arrival Processing Plant. And the perks don’t end there! We’re going to set you up in a house on Lake H.C. and bring anyone you want to come chill in your new perfect home. How much better can it get? Let’s get started!

The first winner of the Jesus Jackpot is Rev. Darrin Patrick of St. Louis for his outreach program The Journey. They also happen to have a pretty slick web site and a well-meaning congregation, so we’ve gone ahead and posted up a few bonus points for their administration too. It’s just an all-around win-win situation over there in Darrin’s church, because when not preaching a sermon on sissified churches, of which there are many, he’s operating out of a pub.

Aaaaaand of course the Baptists aren’t amused.

From the article:

Kerry Messer, a member of the Missouri Baptist Convention?s executive board, said that he had attended The Journey?s December Theology at the Bottleworks program and that what he had seen worried him.

“Beer being served as part of a church presentation sends mixed messages to the community and causes confusion,” Messer said.

The Journey, he said, represents “a movement that compromises the positions, beliefs and doctrines of the Baptist church in order to attract people to theirs.”

I had always hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but it’s something we just can’t look past any longer. People, the Baptists do not know what in the heck they’re doing. You are supposed to use everything you have there on your planet to your advantage, else Dad wouldn’t have put it there. What is the purpose of music if you can’t dance? What are the uses of plants if not for medicine? What is the function of beer if not to drink and be merry? What can be more merry that talking about me and what I would do about this and that? For once we see a church really get something right. Because this is a happy day, and in honor of the presentation of the first Jesus Jackpot to Rev. Darrin Patrick of St. Louis, I am going to abstain from damning anyone from the Baptist sect over this latest disappointment.

Congratulations Darrin! For your work on my behalf, and for taking it upon yourself to do something that I myself might do were I there today, I hereby award you with the First Ever Jesus Jackpot award!

And furthermore, for your dedicated work in the field of irritating Baptists, the world will henceforth name March 11th as St. Darrin Patrick’s Day, and it will mark the beginning of a 7-day streak to culminate on St. Patrick’s Day! Now go drink and be merry, ye sheep of my flock!

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