Balls

Posted by Jesus on March 22, 2007

Our topic today is a subject very near and very dear to my heart, little girls. Were I to flood and repopulate the world today it would likely be filled with nothing but little girls and a few cute animals to keep them comfortable. Little girls are, in fact, the single most likely group to receive some form of divine intervention if and when they’re in trouble, simply because we up here in H.C. just adore them. All of them. Even the ugly ones. So in keeping with our topic of little girls, our story comes to us today from Yahoo News, who recently ran a fantastic story on the growing “Purity Balls” trend sweeping my followers in America. Some of you may have heard about these.

Excerpts from the article:

In what is becoming a trend among conservative Christians in the United States, girls as young as nine are pledging to their fathers to remain virgins until they wed, in elaborate ceremonies dubbed “Purity Balls.”

The highlight is when the fathers and daughters exchange vows, with dad signing a covenant to protect his daughter’s chastity by living an unblemished life and the daughter promising not to have sex until marriage.

Many fathers at the ceremonies also slip “purity rings” around the finger of their misty-eyed daughters or offer them “chastity bracelets” and other jewelry that the girls can entrust to their husbands on their wedding night.

Let me start by asking this simple question: at exactly what point did stoning your kids for disrespecting you become taboo? It’s right there in the Bible in black and white, you’re supposed to stone your kids to death when they disobey or talk back. This whole purity ball mess is just another way we’re sissifying the men who are supposed to dominate, control, run, and make all decisions appropriate to his household. Some years back Dr. James Dobson made the point that men should use a healthy dose of fear and discipline to “break the will” of the child, in much the same way that Dad used fear and discipline to keep man more or less focused on task in years past. Now, instead of simply making their daughters aware that promiscutiyy and adultery will be punished by death, fathers are giving them jewelry and making promises of their own.

So let’s take this to its conclusion, shall we? Let’s assume for a minute that Dad decided to give up on discipline and instead hold “Judgement Balls,” where you and He will exchange vows, He’ll promise not to damn anyone you know for no reason, and you promise not to do anything that could get you sent to Hell. Sounds like a pretty good setup, right? So what happens when you break your end of the pact? Not only are you committing a sin that would normally only have gotten you sent to Hell, but now you’re also violating a contract with God. A personal contract. Man, talk about bad news. Not only are you on the hook for your actions, but you’ll get a double-whammy if and when you do screw up. In the meantime you can rest assured that Dad’s still sending your friends to Hell if they deserved it, and your pact has only increased your likelihood of meeting up with them again.

Seriously, one of the Ten Commandments is to honor parents. Just like all Dad has to say is “do what I say or you’ll go to Hell,” all a father should have to say is “don’t have sex until you’re married or your mother and I will kill you in the back yard.” You don’t need a ball, and you certainly don’t need guests and punch and food and dancing and a minister to get the point across that sex before marriage is a bad thing to do. All a parent has to do is follow the lessons of God. He’s given you countless diseases and unbelievably perilous loopholes such as abortion that can be wielded like clubs dripping with fear, and on top of that He’s given you the power to set things right. Tell your little girls not to have sex or they’ll be afflicted with any number of things. If they do have sex, and they do get pregnant, make sure they don’t get an abortion, as that can tick Dad off and get them cancer. Finally, explain to them that not only does premarital sex make God angry and decrease their chances of getting through the gates, but also shortens their time to repent considerably because the rocks should generally start flying within a few hours of the offense.

More from the article:

But critics say that while teaching abstinence to children may be laudable, it is just as essential to make them aware of sexually transmitted diseases and condom use.

They also point to studies showing that the majority of adolescents who take purity pledges break them within a few years, often by engaging in risky and unprotected sex.

One study conducted by researchers at the universities of Columbia and Yale found that 88 percent of pledgers wind up having sex before marriage.

“Unfortunately these young people tend, once they start to have sex, to have more partners in a shorter period of time and to use contraception much less than their non-pledging peers,” said Debra Hauser, executive vice president at Advocates for Youth, a Washington-based non-profit organization.

“Teens may pledge with the best of intention… and then as they break their pledges they are so shamed and embarrassed that it’s unlikely they will go for help.”

See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. There are tools out there for parents looking to raise good Christian children which don’t involve setting them up to break a Commandment. Just as important as teaching your daughters about sex is teaching them about disease. Of course they should also be made to understand that condom use is a really simple and surefire way to damn themselves, but it’s the disease aspect that I feel should be stressed more. Think about it, people, if we’re so in love with all of you, and you’re all so very perfect, why would we even allow things like AIDS and HPV to exist? It’s because they’re tools to be used by Christians to keep their children in line. If we wanted you holding balls we’d have had a chapter in the Bible called “Balls.” We didn’t put balls in the Bible though, did we? No, we filled it full of diseases cast down upon God’s enemies, cities turned to salt for violations of sexual conduct, and even one man struck down for practicing what passed for birth control in his time. I’d say we made the picture pretty clear. Christians shouldn’t hold balls. It’s best to just give up your balls to Dad and let Him instruct you in the best ways to raise a child.

And did you see that failure rate?! While Columbia University is off by a couple of percent, it’s still enormous. Almost nine out of ten little girls who have a Purity Ball do not follow through with their promises. What they don’t seem to realize is that such failure is far worse than the simple act of having sex. When a little girl breaks God’s law and has sex before marriage they can repent, offer their sins to me, and be cleansed. If the same little girl has made a pact with her father on the matter she’s in deep trouble, as it then becomes the father’s duty to kill the child. Should he fail, his record will be blemished as well as hers. According to the article, however, most of these girls who break their pledges do not go to their father. That doesn’t necessarily let them off the hook though, as they stood before God and made a promise. In essence, this is a really tricky problem that can and indeed does lead to young women damning their own dad to Hell, however inadvertently.

That’s not to say that the whole mess is completely hopeless. A daughter who engages in a Purity Ball, then fails, repents, and finally informs her father can be spared, and all can be forgiven. The problem is that it takes something very few of you Americans actually have. It takes a desire to be like me, and the knowledge to pull it off. A father can forgive his daughter for violating the pact, in the same manner that I forgave a lot of folks for doing horrible things to me, but only if he (the father) is made aware of the sin of sex. If his daughter keeps it a secret he isn’t presented with the option of stoning or forgiving her, and thus he is unable to clear his end of the pact made between himself, his daughter, and my dad.

So for those of you considering a Purity Ball for your little girl, I’d suggest against it. While it may sound like a great idea, and while we all love to get dressed up and attend a ball now and again, this particular function just opens up way too many loopholes and what-ifs to be really viable. Better to teach your little girl to stay away from the boys until you’ve chosen the right one for her and accepted or offered a reasonable sum for the pairing. It’s really the only way to be sure anymore.

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