The Ultimate Jackpot

Posted by Jesus on April 1, 2007

There’s really exciting news out of H.C. this morning. An emergency session of the voting council has ushered in one of the most astounding resolutions ever to be passed by any assembled body, and I think that most of you are going to really like the results. We here in Heaven are certainly excited, as today marks the beginning of a new relationship between Christian and Christ.

As most of you probably know, Sundays are Jesus Jackpot days. Today is no different, but the subject of the Jackpot certainly is. Now normally we pick someone who has done something amazing on Earth and let them into Heaven with no strings, but today the scope has grown. Instead of letting one person in, we’re just going to loosen the rules and let virtually all Christians into Heaven!

What this means is that all one must do now is sort of believe in me! You don’t have to lead a good life, don’t have to ask yourself what I might do, don’t have to worry about sin and prayers and passing judgment and hate, you just have to think that it’s possible that I could have walked the Earth. Of course a lot of you, indeed the vast majority of you, thought that all you needed to do before today to get to Heaven was believe in me. We know now that such wasn’t really true. As of today, though, getting into Heaven is as easy as your preachers and your parents always told you it was. No longer are they committing a sin simply by telling you that, because as of today it’s no longer a lie, it’s all true!

So children, your day has come. Go out into the world and believe in me. Ignore those who sin and do nothing to help them change their ways. Do nothing for the masses of muslims and buddhists who have not the slightest chance of reaching Heaven, for they are no longer your responsibility. Don’t worry about the thoughts and feelings of one another, you are no longer their keeper either. Skip church, it was just a social thing anyway; quit giving tithe, you weren’t really putting 10% in to begin with. The prayers can stop, though we do still like hearing how great we are, and the responsibility to Dad and the rules set forth in the Bible, which can be discarded at this point, are no longer in effect.

Welcome to Heaven, all who believe in me!

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