Ann Coulter is going to Heaven!

Posted by Jerry Falwell on June 24, 2007

Jesus is taking the day off to investigate how Satan gained access to Heaven’s computer network on the Day of Rest yesterday. He’s asked me to make a decision on who receives this week’s Jesus Jackpot, which gives me the perfect opportunity to fulfill a promise I made to a young lady a while back. You all know Ann Coulter as an outspoken author and commentator, but what you may not know is that she is also a warrior for God.

Coulter is responsible for a number of conversions, both of the political and the religious nature. She has built her career on changing the minds of liberal nutcases, but she crafted her salvation saving the souls of sinners. I made a promise to her once that I’d make the world aware of how really sweet and caring a person she was, and today I’m fulfilling that promise. Today Ann Coulter is getting a guaranteed pass through the side entrance of Heaven. She’ll get a house in the gated community that Jesus and I live in. When she finally dies, old and happy, with supporters around her marveling still at her vigor and sharp tongue, she will ascend immediately and begin eternity with us. I think Jesus even has a job all lined up for her.

In honor of Ann Coulter, I’ve gone around Heaven City this morning collecting niceties from people she respected, and I’d like to share a few of them here. I intend to put them all in a nice little book and present them to her when she finally gets here, as is, I think, fitting. Here are some of my favorites, though, from the book I’m making Coulter.

Ronald Reagan (former U.S. President): “Ann, I couldn’t be happier that you’ll be coming to live with us. It’s really wonderful here in Heaven City. There are no Communists or anything!”

Ruth Graham (wife of my friend Billy Graham): “I just got settled in the other day, Ann, and the angels are already talking about taking me on a restorative vacation at God’s estate. You’re going to love it here, honey!”

Barry Goldwater(”Mr. Republican”): “You’re going to love God. He’ll bomb you if you even look at Him wrong.”

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