Ann Coulter is going to Heaven

Posted by Jesus on October 4, 2007

It’s been a long time since I’ve given anyone a free ride to Heaven, but to be honest it’s just so much easier to find damnable offenses than it is to find those few people deserving of salvation. One among you has been a steadfast supporter of Christian values throughout her public life, and has recently made a point valid enough to catapault her straight into the the open arms of God. Ann Coulter is going to Heaven.

Although outspoken and often acerbic, Coulter largely mimics my own views on matters ranging from race to politics. She loves little girls, supports the President regardless of his decisions, and has enough hate for sinners within her to fuel a dozen Baptist conventions. While all of these qualities are unquestionably Christ-like, there is one stance for which Coulter will receive an unconditional pass in Heaven, and that is her desire to see women removed from decision-making roles in the Christian nation of America.

From the article:

COULTER: If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president. It’s kind of a pipe dream, it’s a personal fantasy of mine, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women.

It should come as no surprise that women in America are voting stupidly. God created them several thousand years ago without the necessary capacity to understand things which require such important decisions. God explains the place and function of women repeatedly throughout the Bible, and at no point does He suggest that they ought to have equal say in matters of national importance. Revoking voting rights for women would certainly have an impact on the electability of a Democrat, but more importantly it would draw America further in line with God’s Will.

Ann Coulter understands that women are intelligently created to be inferior and subservient to men. That’s the way Almighty God set things up “In the Beginning.” She knows that women have no right to vote according to God, and she translates that seamlessly into an argument Americans from all walks of life can get behind. If she were to say “women shouldn’t vote because God says so,” then there would be no backing from the multitude of secular Hell-bound heathens who populate the majority of your pseudo-Christian churches. Somehow even those who believe themselves the most devout have lost sight of the inferiority of women in God’s eyes. Coulter is smart enough to know this, so she appeals to a hatred of Democrats shared among many of these same pseudo-Christians. It’s utterly brilliant.

And more importantly, it’s a free ticket to paradise! When Coulter dies she will immediately ascend to Heaven, where she will enter though the side door and gain instant access to all of the amenities Heaven has to offer. I’m pretty sure Moses has a job lined up for her as a fact-checker on the Heavenly Supreme Court too, which should fit her skill set nicely. I know Jerry Falwell’s looking forward to her being here too, but I think that’s because he has a little crush on her. Some of you may remember that he gave Ann a previous Jesus Jackpot a while ago. Some people just have a thing for women who look like men who have AIDS. It’s just the way God made them.

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