All Fridays are Good

Posted by Jesus on April 6, 2007

Good Friday. This is one of the best weekends there is, you know? All year long I get this nice steady stream of prayer; some ask for favors, others need pressing items, like food. Still others pray just to say hi, or to check in and clear their slate before a date. For whatever reason, the prayers that flow in on this one weekend account for a good thirty to forty percent of my entire yearly total. And what’s better, very few of this weekend’s prayers actually require a response - they’re generally just pure praise, which is the best kind of prayer there is.

Now before I get into any of the things I want to talk about today some things need to be cleared up. As has been the tradition for just under two thousand years, I am going to take the day off on Easter. It is the one day of the year that I take a personal day. While I would like nothing more than to come and tell you all how you’re celebrating Easter in a completely unholy and altogether far too commercialized manner, I’m going to relax and play on my Xbox with Saint Pete. What that means is that I’m going to give you a little something different today - advanced warning.

Our article today comes to us from the Phillipines, where a bunch of idiots get crucified every year. Yeah, you read that right. Some of you have probably seen this on one of the educational channels as you were flipping through the channels on a commercial break during your Nascar race. Of course the folks who get spiked up are devout Catholics, the only sect stupid enough to actually attempt to relive the pain of my own death. There is a really good reason Dad chose that death - it’s super painful. The whole idea of me getting strung up on the cross was so that none of you would ever have to experience such a thing.

From the article:

The atmosphere was festive, with hawkers selling beer, ice-cream and souvenir whips. Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” blared out from speakers before the penitents approached the crosses.

Are you serious? Play whips? Zep? Those folks in Rome certainly didn’t have any play whips or any Led Zeppelin blaring when they hung me out there, and they definitely didn’t have any stinking ice cream! Let’s see some of you pansies get out there and get crucified like I got crucified. Go out there and tick off the entire government, then see what happens. Heck, it still won’t compare. This kind of thing is just insulting.

Of course fake crucifixions are not the only insult associated with Easter. Be honest now, how many of you out there give your kids eggs or stuffed bunnies?

You see eggs are symbols from long ago, and denote fertility. Easter occurs right around the time of the Spring Equinox, which is really nothing more than a coincidence, but problems have grown as a result of their overlapping. The egg, for instance, once painted by the Persians in celebration of the equinox, have come to be associated with my resurrection for some reason. The bunny, another pagan symbol of fertility, is even more associated with my day. So how is it that such pagan and unassociated symbols are now at least as important, if not more so, than the fact that I came back to life and floated up into Heaven on that day?

The answer is it doesn’t matter. If you are celebrating my ressurection on Sunday then you will be among those who are loved. If you are eating Cadburry eggs and watching bunny cartoons you’ll join several thousand years of pagan ritual practitioners in Hell. It’s just that easy. You know, when I really think about it, it would be better to get crucified as a sign of your devotion to your faith than to play with eggs and bunnies. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend either of them to anyone, but if the choice is to be made I would definitely say get crucified. At least that way you aren’t worshiping false idols on the one day of the year you’re expected to devote your day’s thoughts only to me.

Either way I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and I’ll be back on Monday to give you another dose of salvation. In the meantime keep those prayers coming, and hit me up on Xbox Live if you want to get owned at some Halo - my screen name is Nazarene_Machine02!

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