Al Gore won my Nobel Peace Prize

Posted by Jesus on October 12, 2007

I am so sick of all of you praying to ask me about global warming. Exactly where in the Bible does God say to pay attention to your carbon footprint? In what book is it written that one should reduce one’s dependence on fossil fuels? What part of rapture don’t you people understand? God will bathe your lands in fire long before you melt the place with emissions, so why do you even bother trying to save a planet set up six thousand years ago for the express purpose of being used up?

Al Gore recently won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in the field of global warming skullduggery. His documentary An Inconvenient Truth has been the inspiration for millions of small changes made by everyday people, all of which have added up to exactly nothing. Has the temperature dropped in your town since you started using fluorescent bulbs? Will your hybrid keep the fire from pouring forth from the Heavens when God decides to clean house? Do you think you can get to Heaven if your attention is diverted by something so obviously biased as global warming?

Religion and science are largely at war. Scientists hate God and the Bible, so they make up these fantastic lies to discredit and muffle the true Word of God. They ignore the fact that I will someday return to rapture the dozen or so good Christians on Earth, and that afterwards God will basically wipe everything else out. Somehow they think that man and beast alike are tied in some sort of symbiotic relationship with the planet, which requires a steady and measured climate forecast. They warn about dumping mass gasses into the air and deploying ozone-eating agents, suggesting that God is completely fabricated and that only mankind can save mankind. These are the same people who once told you the world was flat though, so you can see how seriously one should take them.

What’s worse are the preachers and self-professed “Christians” who outright claim that God wants everyone to take better care for the planet. What they don’t realize is that such statements are tantamount to blasphemy. If Dad wanted you to take care of the planet He would have put it in the Bible next to never cutting your hair, stoning you kids, and refusing meat. Suggesting that God wants everyone to care for something that is so clearly not intended as a long-term habitat for man is obviously grounds for damnation. You’ve been warned.

And what does all of your Earth-saving idiocy really get you? Mercury poisonings from your special little light bulbs, a drain on your savings account to install worthless and inefficient solar panels, a ten percent price hike on hybrid motors, useless science-type people making big bucks spreading anti-Christian messages, and a whole bunch of distractions from the true Word of God.

Just because Al Gore tells you something is true doesn’t actually make it true. He is an agent of the Devil, which is why the Supreme Court, with blessings from Heaven, installed George Bush without a valid recount and with clear indications of gerrymandering in Florida several years back. What God wants God gets, no matter how many times the other guy actually appears to win. If you want proof of that just convince him to run for President again. This time around and we’ll make the message even clearer.

And finally, where is my Nobel Peace Prize? I spent the entirety of my short life on Earth being the absolute perfect human, you know. I healed sick people, gave hope to everyone I ever met, saved the lives of so many whores it would make your head spin, and in the end, when they were torturing and murdering me, I even took the time to save all of your souls. If anyone in the history of mankind deserves a Nobel Peace Prize, it is me. In fact, I should really get the next half-dozen or so, just to make up for the imbalance caused by the awards organization continually awarding such prizes to known agents of Satan.

Oh no, though. I’m just Jesus, the Prince of Peace. A nobody, according to “scientists” who think Earth is billions of years old. I swear, if I get stood up again I may very well give you all a reason to fear “global warming.” Fire from the sky, I tell you. That’ll teach you all not to skip me next time there’s a Peace Prize looking for a recipient!

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