Abstinence must work

Posted by Jesus on May 3, 2007

Why is it that every time I pull a stack of prayers to hear I get at least two or three from people asking me to help them get laid? You’d think people would be smart enough not to ask Jesus Friggin’ Christ for help bagging that blonde down the hall. What do you think I’m going to say? “Yeah, you’ve been good lately, why not let you have sweaty unprotected extramarital monkey sex with your whore of a secretary. You deserve it!” And it’s not just from young people either – I could maybe understand if it were just teenage boys, they’re in a bad way in your current society, what with your not marrying off your women nearly young enough anymore. No, I get old geezers too, and even a preacher now and then. It’s sick, it’s really sick!

You folks in America are so screwed up about sex in general that it’s hardly worth trying to put you back together again. Some of you think that abstinence-only education is impossible, while others suggest the same as the best available option. The problem is that neither position is correct, and the reality of sex is not something you’re prepared to deal with right now in America. There’s a nasty catch-22. You might say Dad’s thrown you something of a riddle. You’re so terrified of teenagers having sex and getting pregnant that you’ve all lost sight of the fact that having sex and getting pregnant is precisely what they should be doing. Let me explain.

As a Christian you probably understand that Dad made each and every one of you in His perfect image, meaning that your bodies work in exactly the way He intended. To defy His intention for your body is to deny His perfection, right? Why, then, when a woman becomes capable of bearing children, or when a young man begins to generate that most sacred of substance, his seed, do you impose restrictions upon them for some arbitrary number of years? If Dad made little Tommy able to produce and deliver his seed uniformly and consistently by the age of 12, and He then crafted Janelle to begin having periods and to develop the body mass to carry a child by, say, 13, then who has the right to stand in their way? They’re perfect, aren’t they? Why else would these body mechanisms begin functioning so early?

Of course that’s not to say that kids should just go off and have sex at that age; one also must be married before engaging in intercourse, else a certain and painful Hell awaits. The problem is that your society started imposing these silly age restrictions on when people could get married a long time ago. Teenagers today are finding their perfectly-created bodies long prepared for sex well before their parents are prepared to allow marriage proposals. As a result we have absolute rampant masturbation, fornication, and damnation. Kids who should be settling into a trade and starting their soon-to-be massive families are instead screwing everything with a pulse and using contraceptives to thwart Dad’s plan.

And who do you blame? The video games, the movies, the schools, Britney Spears, and George Bush, to name a few. The truth is that the parents are responsible, just like the parents are responsible in just about every other issue in America which deals with young people. You’ve all become wrapped up in the illusion that anyone could be wrong but you. So you blame the people who gave your kids condoms and the morning-after pill for their adulterous tramping about. When that fails you suggest teaching them abstinence. And you know, we met you halfway on that one – we gave you Bush, who we trained only to push abstinence, and also gave you a whole bunch of new and more devilishly mutated diseases with which to keep your kids scared straight. But, as was intended, you still failed. And who did you blame? The video games, the movies, the schools, Britney Spears, and George Bush, to name a few. And now what do you want? Well, a whole bunch of folks want to go back to teaching sexual positions in schools and handing out condoms. It’s just anarchy down there. Anarchy, I tell you.

I guess for the time being though you don’t have much of a choice but to maintain an abstinence-only society. There’s no way you’re willing to see the error of your ways and start letting kids marry and have sex legitimately, so unless you want pretty much anyone in high school who can say their A-B-C’s without spitting up on themselves going to Hell for damnable fornication we’re going to have to work together to really push this abstinence plan hard. You’ve all proven your complete unwillingness to stone the kids who talk back and replace them with better ones, so we have to make do with what we have. It’s a heck of an uphill battle, but I’ll be giving you some new diseases pretty soon which should help you regain the edge. Dad’s still a little mad that your laws step all over His perfect bodily functions, but I’m sure with time and a lot of work you and I together can convince Him to modify the biology of your future generations to be more in-line with your imposed social restrictions. I mean, let’s be fair, you are all living much longer now. Or at least you are for now. Maybe that’s the “big change” Dad’s been hinting about lately.

Related Posts

• Didn’t Kansas just get a lesson?
• Jenna Bush is going to Hell
• Taking back Texas
• Once a whore, always a whore
• God grant us gas
• A generation of believers
• Your Voice, Your Vote, God’s Wrath