A word about Pat Robertson

Posted by Jesus on October 19, 2007

I received an email this morning from a loyal Christian soldier who wants to know how I feel about Pat Robertson, host of the mega-popular 700 Club and founder of the Christian Coalition. It’s always fun to get emails from my followers. Prayers just come across as too demanding anymore. Jesus, do this; Jesus, save that; Jesus, please help me score with that redhead. You’d all be well-served to take a lesson from this nice person and email or pray your requests in with a little dose of humility.

From the email:

From: Justin <justin@———-.com>
To: jesus@openjesus.org
Date: Oct 19, 2007 10:37am
Subject: Question

Jesus,

I found you only a few short months ago but have since become an almost daily worshiper. For a much longer time I have held a morning ritual, mainly as a joke. I tune into the 700 club with Pat Robertson. He has some pretty strange ideas. I was just wondering what your take on good ol’ Pat might be. Could you find it in your busy schedule to bless your worshipers with your words of wisdom on this topic.

-Justin

P.S. Thanks a bunch for all the suffering and dying and stuff.

Well Justin, you’ve come to the right savior of mankind! I do certainly have an opinion of Pat Robertson, and I would love nothing more than to share it with you and the rest of my faithful followers today. First though, I want to just say that you’re welcome. You would not believe how many people seem to forget the pain and torture I went through to save your eternal souls from the boiling depths of Hell. It’s nice to get a little “thank you” now and again. For remembering to add a little bit of praise and concern to your request we’re going to go ahead and grant you a nice fat bonus of 2,500 Salvation Points. That only leaves you 1,445,600 points shy of a Jesus Jackpot, so definitely keep that praise rolling in!

As for Robertson, he is without question one of the sanest, most intelligent, and most prescient people on Earth today. He and I speak daily, often up to three or four times. The views he shares on his show and in his life are generally in line with my own. In fact, there are a number of political insiders in Heaven who believe that Robertson will likely be the next appointee to the Heavenly Supreme Court when Justice Aquinas finally retires, but of course that’s assuming that God even lets Robertson die. Right now the work he’s doing on Earth is more important than anyone realizes, especially after the death of and subsequent ascension to Heaven by my good friend Reverend Falwell.

It is Pat’s understanding of right and wrong in such simple black and white terms which makes him so popular among fundamentalist Christians. While many leaders today pander to a “one size fits all” type of secular pseudu-Christianity, Robertson just tells it like it is. He doesn’t ignore parts of the Bible which go against the mainstream values found in the Godless churches dotting your countryside, choosing instead to openly oppose such things as gender equality and the allowance of any person outside of the Christian faith to hold office.

So staunch in his beliefs is Robertson that he actually wields powers spoken of within the Bible, but rarely seen among you. He has the ability to petition God directly for action in his favor, which he has used successfully in the past to divert hurricanes from his personal and financial interests and to heal those stricken unmercifully with AIDS. He can handle snakes with impunity, pass easily through the eye of a needle (despite his respectable fortune), and his farts smell of lilac and honey. The animals of the world seek to do his bidding, and when children get near him their cavities get filled through the sheer power of his faith.

Robertson hates homosexuality, which as we all know is a mandatory function of any good Christian today. Yet even in his hatred of everything which is gay, he still loves the people living within such decadence enough to warn them of the likelihood of death by such things as tornadoes, terrorist bombings and meteors. He knows that 9/11 was in inside job perpetrated by God Himself in retaliation for the USA’s continued support of fags and their dangerous and immoral movement. He hates feminists, liberals, abortionists and atheists too, and is not afraid to tell such people about the damnation and horror that God is likely to perpetrate in their lives. Who else do we know like that?

As for your comment regarding Robertson’s show as a “joke,” Justin, I feel much the same way. He seamlessly fuses relevant Christianity and fundamentalist idealism with humor and wit in a manner that keeps many of us here in Heaven in stitches. For instance, when the citizens of one Pennsylvania town kicked all of the intelligent design supporters off the school board in 2005, Robertson responded by suggesting that the citizens cry out to Charles Darwin the next time God sees fit to bring down His wrath upon the unbelievers. What a sense of humor, huh? I can see why you start your day with him!

Perhaps the most important of Robertson’s many stances today deals with muslims. As you probably know, Pat, like myself, doesn’t much care for them. They’re largely dirty and unkempt, and they follow a false prophet who, while often able to hook you up with the best mushrooms you’ve ever tripped on, didn’t have many original ideas. Robertson echoes my sentiments, describing them as violent and and fanatical in interviews. Again, this is largely due to his amazing ability to see things in such black and white, good versus evil terms. He knows that Christians are inherently the good guys, and that muslims then are naturally predisposed to do evil. In fact, his stance on muslims echoes my own almost to perfection. But what else would you expect from one of the few men on Earth who actually sees it as his responsibility to live like I would live if I were there.

I hope today’s words have helped you, Justin. I know you’re probably a big enough fan of Pat Robertson that you didn’t need me to go into such great detail, but when one is describing such a charismatic and relevant force for good in the world it’s often difficult to lean toward brevity. It was great to hear from you, though. I’ll be down in Texas again real soon too, so keep those prayers coming and I might just bring you a surprise!

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