Why celebrating Chrismas pisses Jesus off
Posted by Jesus on December 25, 2007
There are few things more likely to get your soul immediately and irrevocably damned to the everlasting torment of Hell than celebrating Christmas. I know there are millions of people out there who believe that Christmas is the anniversary of my birth in a manger in Bethlehem, and that gifts are given in the tradition of the Three Wise Men doing the same at my birth; I know that you like to set up nativity scenes and talk about how devout you all are for supposedly remembering what you think are true Christian rituals. How would you like it if half of the planet called you on your least favorite day of the year and wished you a happy birthday, despite the fact that your birthday is half a year away? After a few hundred years you’d want to damn some people to Hell too.
In a completely unsurprising turn of events, Jamie Lynn Spears, sister of megawhore pop sensation Britney Spears, 
It’s been a while since I’ve gone through your emails and responded personally to those of you crying out for my attention. As many of you have learned, I do not directly answer emails from mortals, as God has decreed that all of us in Heaven must move in the most mysterious ways possible. Email, He believes, just isn’t mysterious enough. What He’s failed to account for is that I now have a blog, so while I really can’t send people a direct email in response, I certainly can say a few words about the email I receive here. We have loopholes in Heaven too.
Yesterday was a pretty busy day for most of us in Heaven. God is being extra vigilant this year about punishing people who celebrate the pagan rituals associated with Christmas, so there’s a lot of death and destruction to be spread around. In most cases He assigns shootings and other violent tasks to one of the angels, but as I’ve got them all sent out trying to locate Pat Robertson’s mind (since he lost it, you know), He’s heaped a ton of work on me. Most of you saw the shootings at churches in Colorado on the news yesterday. Yeah, that was me…
In 1849 God implemented a rule that grants all U.S. Presidents, Popes and Trappist monks a free pass to Heaven upon their deaths. The decree was made soon after the passing of James Polk, America’s 11th President. He had been baptized six days before his death, a laughable attempt at atonement for lifetime of egregious sins. Stricken in retaliation by God with explosive diarrhea, Polk went to Hell following his painful and disgusting end. Within a week intelligence officers in Heaven City had convinced God that some men, no matter how evil while on Earth, simply must be allowed to enter Heaven, if for no other reason than to continue the flow of reliable intelligence. The Trappists were added because sometimes good beer is just as critical as good information.
I just got out of a meeting with God about some end-of-year business that needs to be cleared up. There have been a lot of cases where people have done things which might ordinarily get them sent directly to Hell that have slipped through the cracks, either because we wanted more information before making a decision, or simply because more pressing matters were on the table at the time of the offense. One such case is that of 
Have any of you ever really considered the true meaning of Christmas? Not that made-up pretend crap about baby Jesus and the manger and stars and wise men, but the corporate-driven pagan ritualistic shopping season thrust on you by popes, presidents, and sociopaths. In the Bible, at no point are you told to celebrate my birth. Yet you do, and in a manner which is wholly consistent with everything Satan stands for. Materialism. Greed. Spite. Sloth. Vanity. The price of your insolence is death, and through the month of December we’re going to deliver it.
I have gotten an overwhelming flood of prayers asking whether or not it’s alright for a police officer to taser an unarmed man in the back for attempting to walk away during a traffic stop. Strangely enough, most of you seem to believe that the Trooper in question should be punished. Some of you suggest that I would have let the man go, so Gardner should have done the same thing. This isn’t quite true. I might not have tasered him in the back, but I would have tasered him all the same. Sometimes people are just asking for it, and today Trooper Ron Gardner is getting his reward in Heaven for his liberal application of the rod in the line of duty.