words of wisdom from your personal Lord and Savior
"If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death." -Leviticus 20:9
Posted by Jesus on October 24, 2007
So what do you think happens when God gets mad at you? Does He yell and scream really loud? Could He put you in a corner and ground you? Do you get spanked, or your car taken away, or lose your allowance? Heck no. When God gets mad you feel it. Big time.
Posted by Jesus on October 19, 2007
I received an email this morning from a loyal Christian soldier who wants to know how I feel about Pat Robertson, host of the mega-popular 700 Club and founder of the Christian Coalition. It’s always fun to get emails from my followers. Prayers just come across as too demanding anymore. Jesus, do this; Jesus, save that; Jesus, please help me score with that redhead. You’d all be well-served to take a lesson from this nice person and email or pray your requests in with a little dose of humility.
Posted by Jerry Falwell on October 17, 2007
My friends, it is not often that one is asked to step in for the Son of God. It is an honor I accept with deep humility and unwavering dedication on those few occasions that Jesus sees within me the capacity to be his voice. That he would trust me, a poor, wretched sinner brought up to Heaven only by the grace of almighty God, is something I still grapple with today. Even such a fallible people as we are given great responsibility now and again in our own lives, and it is what one does with this responsibility that most reveals one’s true nature. Such responsibility rests with me today, as I have been tasked with preparing a short message for all of you in Jesus’ absence. To hell with that, though. I’ve got dirt!
Posted by Jesus on October 12, 2007
I am so sick of all of you praying to ask me about global warming. Exactly where in the Bible does God say to pay attention to your carbon footprint? In what book is it written that one should reduce one’s dependence on fossil fuels? What part of rapture don’t you people understand? God will bathe your lands in fire long before you melt the place with emissions, so why do you even bother trying to save a planet set up six thousand years ago for the express purpose of being used up?
Posted by Jesus on October 10, 2007
The news out of Wisconsin is grim. Tyler Peterson, a 20 year-old sheriff’s deputy, carried his department-issued assault rifle into a house occupied by seven of his friends and shot them all. Six are dead. One survived by playing dead. The killer is dead, the town is a wreck, and the healing is only just beginning. So many have called on me to answer questions of why and how can this happen that I feel compelled to explain this once again. God simply needed them more. Most of them, at least.
Posted by Jesus on October 5, 2007
Yesterday a judge in Minnesota denied Senator Larry Craig’s attempt to withdraw his guilty plea in that sex sting earlier this year. For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, the Senator attempted to convince a police officer sitting in a bathroom stall next to his to have gay sex with him, then pleaded guilty to the crime after he was arrested. Somehow he still thinks he’s going to beat the charges though, which is rather impossible considering how much God has it out for him.
Posted by Jesus on
Frequent worshiper Julie Casper pointed me toward an article this morning about Halo 3, which I have been playing virtually non-stop since last week. In the article, Jane Dratz (of Dare 2 Share Ministries) explains how to use Halo 3 as a vehicle to indoctrinate fellow gamers. Not even I had considered this, but now that I’ve seen it I am seriously considering making her recommendations mandatory for Christian gamers.
Posted by Jesus on October 4, 2007
It’s been a long time since I’ve given anyone a free ride to Heaven, but to be honest it’s just so much easier to find damnable offenses than it is to find those few people deserving of salvation. One among you has been a steadfast supporter of Christian values throughout her public life, and has recently made a point valid enough to catapault her straight into the the open arms of God. Ann Coulter is going to Heaven.
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