Top 10 reasons to believe in God

Posted by Jesus on May 20, 2007

There are exactly six hundred trillion billion thousand, nine hundred and seventy two reasons to believe in God. Moses and I spent most of our Sabbath yesterday in a little boat out on my private pond pondering them all, and from our discussion came a list. I won’t bore you with the details. Here we go!

10. Christians can be magically healed. Seriously, when was the last time Buddha went off and healed someone? Vishnu? Dad is credited with millions upon millions of healings; even a bunch of our followers can heal people. Why bother going through long and costly chemotherapy, loading up full of the latest AIDS cocktails, or getting painful and bothersome breast exams when all you need is God?

9. Christians have more friends. Once a week they all get together to dance around and wiggle to the Holy Spirit. The bonds forged in this mutual humiliation are as solid as they come.

8. God can make you super-rich. Just ask this guy. What was it, like $12 million tied up in his house? Fast cars, great looks, endless energy, the total package. Get in tight with God, talk Him into giving you a special skill, and BAM! You too can be wealthy beyond your wildest imaginations, but you’ve got to believe first.

7. Believing in God can help get you out of prison. If you sawed the arms and legs off your girlfriend and then fed them to your neighbor’s pit bulls while murdering and raping his family, then stole his shotgun and took a run at a nursing home, you can still expect to have at least some tiny little chance of seeing the light of day again if you accept God in your life. Everyone has bad days. God gets that.

6. God makes it easy to let go. Understanding that He sometimes takes people for His own reasons makes it a lot easier to get over tragedies. Atheists and pagans can suffer for years over a loss, because they have no outlet or understanding of why people live or die. Believing in God can help you get up and move on when things are bleak.

5. God can win you an Oscar, a Grammy, a Super Bowl, and more. Most of the super-talented believe in God, so if you want to be super-talented and win a major award you should too.

4. Heaven. It’s not just about the restaurants, the shows, the fishing, the BBQ’s God hosts, or the unfettered access to the lives of those on Earth. You’ll get to spend your days hanging out in a perfect jungle with Dad, where He’ll turn you into random animals and let you play around in their bodies, and your evenings will be spent with Noah, who is so freakin’ hilarious you’ll wonder why you didn’t just drink and drive to get here sooner.

3. Guardian Angels. These bad-ass servants of God have undergone the most strenuous physical training available, and are skilled in the arts of diplomacy, combat, and human defense. How is it, do you think, that more than sixty thousand bad guys have been killed in Iraq while so few Americans have perished? Well, part of it is certainly the training and the weapons and the helicopters and cruise missiles, but when it comes to the boots-on-the-ground fighting, man-to-man style, God’s elite are always in the thick of the carnage. And these are the same angels who keep you from burning yourself making spaghetti, but only if you believe in God! Talk about perks!

2. You don’t have to buy into any crackpot theories. Forget evolution and the accompanying lack of evidence, don’t waste your time looking to the stars for intelligent life or other answers, ignore all that bunk about the Big Bang and the whole physics delusion that goes along with it, and turn the other cheek to all those who would claim that their so-called science definitively disproves fundamental tenets of the Bible. When you believe in God you have one simple manual which disproves or renders moot all of those things that could distract or confuse you. It couldn’t possibly be easier.

1. Because if you don’t believe in God you will burn eternally in Hell. There’s a reason we keep going back to this. Eternity. In Hell. Think about it.

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