10 reasons firing atheists is O.K.

Posted by Jesus on May 6, 2007

The story is out there, I’m sure you’ve all seen it by now. Austin “Jack” DeCoster fired an atheist for being an atheist. Sure, there are all of these alternate explanations, like “poor job performance,” but Jesus is going to just tell it like it is. He was an atheist, and he got canned for it. And for all of you out there who still think it’s alright to have a bunch of atheists walking around your workplace, today I’m going to give you my top 10 reasons firing atheists is O.K. I was originally going to give you seventy four thousand, nine hundred and thirty two reasons, but Moses pointed out that Dad likes things presented in terms you can comprehend. So we narrowed it to ten.

Jesus Christ’s Top 10 Reasons firing atheists is O.K.

1. The workplace is intended to give people the opportunity to make more money so that they may donate more to the poor and give more to their church. An atheist does not believe in helping people or giving money to church, so an atheist has no claim to money which could be paid to a Christian. In an incredibly crowded market it is sometimes permissible to hire muslims or maybe mormons, but atheists should be avoided entirely.
2. Atheists don’t work as hard as Christians. Because they don’t believe in anything they find it difficult to get behind a corporation and work as part of a team. They also take longer lunches and don’t have as many friends, and tons of them play World of Warcraft (false idols, anyone?).
3. Atheists are less likely to treat coworkers as they would like to be treated.
4. An atheist in an office is like a trader in a temple. A corporation is a well-oiled machine made up of people who are all working hard to enhance the lives the people above them; the atheist is just using the corporation to enhance their own position.
5. Atheists believe that their lives and their protection are their own responsibility. They are 85% more likely to have a concealed handgun license and are therefore far more likely to be armed at work. They are also irrational and have no outlet in me or Dad. They’re way more likely to shoot you if you accidentally spill their coffee on their sleeve.
6. Atheists spend a lot of time reading things and think they’re so very smart. They enjoy nothing more than tossing weak arguments at scripture and whining about how hypocritical Dad is. If they read the Bible they’d be a better person. If they were a better person they would read the company handbook. Then they’d be better employees.
7. Atheists believe that all people should be completely equal, including women. Dad has made His point on this matter - who are you going to believe, a bunch of nut jobs who believe in nothing, or God, who created you and has your entire life planned for you?
8. Famous atheists include Marilyn Manson, Fidel Castro, Jodie Foster, William Shatner, Larry Flynt, Mikhail Gorbachev, Dave Matthews, and Bill Gates. Would you want communists, bad actors, porn addicts, hippie musicians, or gender-confused pseudo-entertainers working for you?
9. Atheists are always looking for new reasons to explain why they’re there, long after Dad and I gave you all that you needed. They’ll spend company time building telescopes and wondering about the cosmos, and they’ll use the money a Christian should be making to help advance alternative and blasphemous theories such as evolution and global warming. Getting them out of the office will give them more time to work on things which anger Dad, but eventually they’ll run out of money and it’ll all even out.
10. Atheists do not have protection under the law in the United States of America. At some point in the near future they may. Now is a really good time to take out the garbage.

So there you are, true believers. Atheists are not your model employee, and Jesus has just told you why. I also want to mention that if you’re a Christian employee working for an atheist manager or boss, you should either leave or do what it takes to ensure that the offensive individual is removed. God rewards good work, so do what you must to send the atheist home.

As an administrative note, we’re skipping the Jesus Jackpot this week on account of some, um, political things. I’ve gotten kind of involved in something and haven’t had time to read the entries. Heck, you know what, let’s just do what’s right. This week’s Jesus Jackpot just goes to Austin “Jack” DeCoster for firing an atheist. For his courageous stand he will hereby receive a free pass to Heaven, entrance via the reserved side-door, an executive palace on the golf course, and dinner for two with Dad in His private restaurant. Congratulations, Jack!

And as always, if you have questions, I’m here.

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