words of wisdom from your personal Lord and Savior
"We're going to bring back God and the Bible and drive the gods of secular humanism right out of the public schools of America." ~Pat Buchanan
Posted by Jesus on September 26, 2007
There is sorrow in the White House today. God put on a suit this morning and visited George Bush in his office, something He tries to do at least once a month when America is at war. This morning’s visit wasn’t about muslim-killing strategy or earmarking more funds for religious indoctrination programs in schools though. It was something far more depressing. Jenna Bush is going to Hell.
Posted by Moses on September 23, 2007
Hello loyal readers and seekers of His Word in Truth, this is Moses. Don?t worry, Jesus is fine, he?s just spending the day with Luciano, who as you may know is a recent arrival up here. They’re rehearsing for their performance tonight at God’s birthday party. I know what you’re thinking - God doesn’t have a birthday. You’re right, but that doesn’t stop us from celebrating it about four times per year. God is, to put it bluntly, something of a socialite, and uses every opportunity available to make everyone in Heaven visit Him on His hill.
Posted by Jesus on September 21, 2007
Not long ago I wrote about a Nebraska State Senator who is suing God, explaining exactly why that legal maneuver would fail and commit the plaintiff directly to Hell. Apparently some jokester out there thought it would be a good idea to respond to the lawsuit pretending to be God. That’s just a bad idea no matter how you look at it. While you on Earth don’t know exactly who did this, we in Heaven know who is responsible, and you can bet that they’re going to Hell for such a boneheaded move. You simply can’t pretend to be God and expect not to get damned.
Posted by Jesus on September 20, 2007
I’m sure all of you have heard by now that Kathy Griffin, the notoriously untalented and ridiculously stupid pseudo-celebrity, chose to openly worship her Emmy as a false idol the other night during an acceptance speech. What you may not know is that her comments have gotten her banned from Heaven, which means that she’ll probably join most of you in Hell when she finally dies, alone, broke, and friendless. Statistically she could actually make it to Heaven, but she’d have to live to 114 and save around thirty souls per week to make up for breaking the First Commandment.
Posted by Jesus on September 18, 2007
Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers has filed a lawsuit against God. While he claims that his legal action against the Almighty is merely to highlight the frivolous nature of your court system today, God just can’t let this act stand. Today it’s a guy suing God just to prove he can, but tomorrow it’ll be congregations who’ve lost their roof to a storm claiming that God owes them a new one and parents of little girls suing for wrongful death when God “needs more” their precious little snowflake. It’s bad precedent. It can’t stand. So Ernie Chambers will have to go to Hell.
Posted by Jesus on September 11, 2007
There’s not a lot of things God hates more than cheating. Fags, murder, money, muslims, and perhaps Nascar. Past that, little compares to cheating. And as much as God hates cheating, He hates cheating in things that maintain a delicate social balance even more. I’ve even spoken about it here before (sports are supposed to be fair because nothing else in America is). For such a colossal screwup, we’ve decided to levy a harsh punishment on the entire Patriots organization. All of them, from owner Robert Kraft down to the guy who cleans mud out of the cleats.
Posted by Jesus on September 4, 2007
There are bound to be ten better things to tell you about today than the reason Dad and I decided to go ahead and put Presidential hopeful Bill Richardson on the fast track to The Pit, but I honestly can’t remember when we were so steamed about something that seemed so small. With the damning of the entire population of South Korea over the $20 million payout to the Taliban (who will use the money to kill American Christians), preachers paintballing kids on Halloween, and God’s practical jokes going too far, one might think there are more important things to discuss. And there are. But just like as your preacher sometimes delivers a boring and irrelevant sermon, so does Jesus get worked up about small and seemingly insignificant matters. The difference is that I can damn people. Today that’s Bill Richardson.
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