Posted by Jesus on July 25, 2007
There’s a story over at the DefCon Blog about Texas Governor Rick Perry’s decision to appoint Don McLeroy, a noted creationist and semi-fundamentalist, to the top job in the state’s education system. Apparently the fact that Don has spoken out against the teaching of evolutionary biology in the past and will continue to do so as the individual most responsible for choosing the curriculum is a bad thing to many people. We here in Heaven couldn’t be happier!
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Posted by Jerry Falwell on July 19, 2007
According to this, two little twits thought it would be a good idea to set a little kitten on fire. Jesus called, ladies. It’s time to pack your bags, you’re going to Hell. No one, and I mean no one gets away with setting a kitten on fire on Jesus’ watch. The poor little thing didn’t have a chance. These are the kinds of things that can happen when you let Satan into your lives, ladies and gentlemen. Kittens can get burned.
Posted by Jerry Falwell on
Barack Obama said Tuesday that sex education for kindergarteners is “the right thing to do.” You don’t have to be Jesus to figure out how wrong that statement is. Jesus was a kind, loving, gentle man. He would not want the filth and debauchery of sex thrust on such poor young souls. He would not want teachers to show the children pictures of genitalia, and He would not want the President deciding how much genitalia is age-appropriate for our kids.
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Posted by Jesus on July 13, 2007
Bridgette Mogonocutty prayed in this morning to ask for my wisdom in a matter concerning employment. According to this article, Generation Y (those born between 1977 and 1992) are a bunch of whining little crybabies with little work ethic and absolutely no loyalty. Employers, it suggests, must hire these needy weenies due to staffing shortages, though few of the 20-somethings actually pan out.
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Posted by Jesus on July 12, 2007
In 2000 Floridians elected a man to their House of Representatives named Bob Allen, who at the time was a likable and jolly person. They have continued to elect him since, because until recently he continued to be that same likable and jolly person. Bob Allen has changed though. He was arrested yesterday for offering a cop $20 if the undercover hero would let him perform oral sex on him. Now God hates him, and you should too.
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Posted by Jesus on July 10, 2007
The Pope recently decided that anyone who isn’t a Roman Catholic isn’t a true Christian. What he doesn’t know, and what I know, is that virtually none of you are true Christians. How many of you own a car? I wouldn’t if I were there. How many of you have jobs? I wouldn’t. How many of you have more food in your house than you need? The list is endless. For people who are supposed to spend your lives trying to be more like me, you’re a nation, no, an entire religion of failures.
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Posted by Jesus on July 8, 2007
It’s difficult to know what happens on the Sabbath around here, as God shuts Heaven completely down. There’s no Internet access, no shops open, and no prayers being answered. The only person who works on the Sabbath is the Holy Spirit, and even she has it easy. Most of you go to church on the first day instead of the seventh, so we all chip in and help her out on Sunday. Today, though, I wanted to respond to Satan’s “Top Ten Reasons to Overthrow Your Government,” which I should add is not at all indicative of the attitude of all angels.
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Posted by Jesus on July 6, 2007
I’m so freaking sick of having to run off to deal with these damn muslim fundies who think bombs are an acceptable replacement for words. I was trying to spend a relaxing Independence Day week at Dad’s place on the lake with some friends, but nooooo-oooo, some idiot has got to go and try to enforce his stupid prophet’s will on everyone by blowing them up. What kind of logic is that?
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