words of wisdom from your personal Lord and Savior
"If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death." -Leviticus 20:9
Posted by Jesus on June 28, 2007
Every once in a while Dad and I sit down and make decisions about who we need. While it’s usually older and more intelligent workers to run bits and pieces of Heaven’s increasingly complex systems, sometimes we bring people up to fill more, um, niche roles.? Such is the case in the tragic deaths of five young women in a fiery head-on collision with a big rig in New York. God needed cheerleaders more.
Posted by Jesus on
Recently sentenced to Hell for all eternity and heiress to a future string of slum hotels, Paris Hilton is now once again walking the streets after a short stint in a government-run country club. Asked about her release, God is reported as saying “Paris? You mean that little whore with all the diseases and sex tapes?”
Posted by Jesus on June 27, 2007
Most Christians know that Dad and I have the ability to listen to all of you at once. In fact, the machinations of Heaven are largely in place just to keep the few of you who make it here busy. We just play along to seem more human. In any case, sometimes I overhear something in my constant eavesdropping on all of you that just has to get immediate personal attention. Case in point: two drunk and stoned teenagers jumping up and down on a pressurized silo of explosive gas. Read on to hear how their exchange went.
Posted by Jesus on June 26, 2007
You really do get used to being so overlooked after two thousand years of existence. Every single day I read stories about people who know for a fact that they’re only alive because I intervened and who, when interviewed, talk about their own bravery or dumb luck and leave me completely out of the picture. Every once in a while one of these stories really bother me, because sometimes I go way out of my way to help folks and don’t get my due. You’ve probably read about the guy who killed the bear with the log, right? Perfect example.
Posted by Jesus on June 25, 2007
Six Supreme Court Justices have, as of this morning, been damned to Hell for crimes against Americans. John Roberts, Antonin Scalia, Anthony Kennedy, Clarence Thomas, Stephen Breyer, and Samuel Alito will burn for all eternity for standing by a law which is not only immoral and grounds enough for complete contempt and overthrow of the Federal Government, but also has no better reason for existing but to maintain a crippling and dangerous criminal justice system functioning at high levels.
Posted by Jerry Falwell on June 24, 2007
Jesus is taking the day off to investigate how Satan gained access to Heaven’s computer network on the Day of Rest yesterday. He’s asked me to make a decision on who receives this week’s Jesus Jackpot, which gives me the perfect opportunity to fulfill a promise I made to a young lady a while back. You all know Ann Coulter as an outspoken author and commentator, but what you may not know is that she is also a warrior for God.
Posted by Jesus on June 20, 2007
You people often surprise me with your foolishness. Seriously. A knot in a tree outside a church in Memphis looks like a completely unrealistic version of what you think I would look like if I wasn’t from the freaking Middle East and you get all loopty-legged. I should totally break out the Damning Stick over this, but I’m feeling particularly benevolent this evening. Nobody gets damned, but everybody has to calm the heck down. Listen up, members of the St. Michael’s Church, it’s not me in your tree. I’m not European. Want photos? Continue reading…
Posted by Jesus on
Those of you who know me also know that I’m a huge Bush supporter. The man has wisdom beyond his years; he is composed, he is resilient, he hates gay people. He is the President of the People. But even the solid stalwart steward of justice himself can be wrong sometimes. I know! It’s hard to believe that a man so brilliant and morally upright can actually be wrong about something so important as saving lives! Yet here we are…
Posted by Jesus on June 19, 2007
Man, you guys are persistent. All you Klamecki’s out there just need to move on. She’s alright, we’re all very happy, but to be honest I didn’t have anything to do with it. Hannah is just a tough little girl, and she made it out of there on her own. I know, Jesus just loves little girls, sure. If anyone was going to help her get out of the woods it was me, but I really didn’t have anything to do with this. Honestly.
Posted by Jesus on June 15, 2007
Unless you’ve been in a coma for the past couple of days you’ve heard about the big mess in Gaza between Hamas and Fatah, the two prominent islamic factions in Palestine. Between throwing people off buildings and executing rival gunmen in the streets they’ve managed to toss the whole Middle East into a slow-burning frenzy. You know it’s gotten really bad when muslims are finally coming to God, the real God I mean, to ask for help.
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