Posted by Jesus on April 18, 2007
I’ve got a couple of topics today. Normally we try to pick one thing and stick with it, but today I need to do a followup on something written back on Good Friday and touch on another major development in the US regarding abortion. If I had to make a decisions I’d say the latter is more important, but due to your human proclivity toward only learning when appropriately punished, the former is more likely to impart a valuable lesson, which is the overall purpose for our being here. In the end they’re both important, so pay attention.So how many of you remember the whole thing about the Catholics in the Philippines who whipped themselves and got intentionally crucified on Good Friday? if not I’d suggest taking a moment to go back and catch up. In what can only be described as a mellow mix of Dad’s creativity and adherence to His own punishment principles, it appears that many participants face possible contraction of rabies as a result of their actions. Who says Dad doesn’t try new things now and then?
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Posted by Jesus on April 17, 2007
In what will go down in your brief and ignoble existence as a collective species on Earth as one of mankind’s most idiotic decisions, the head of a major religious organization has proclaimed that the common interpretation of the Bible which holds that homosexuality is a sin and that homosexuals should be hated is wrong. Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams believes that a key passage within Romans is misinterpreted by the majority of Christians. which is false. This church, the anglicans, seems to say somethign along these same lines every so often, and it really comes as little surprise that they have such a silly view on the matter. Still, it warrants just enough attention to need setting straight. As usual, Jesus to the rescue…
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Posted by Jesus on April 16, 2007
There is, of course, very sad news coming out today from Virginia. One of your own has taken many, many lives, and no one seems to have the answers that so many of you desperately seek. For those of you looking to me in this crisis, your answers shall come. You may not fully appreciate their meaning, but they’re going to come. It’s important in a situation like this to remember a few basic things which all Christians should know by now.
The first thing to remember is that everything happens for a reason, even the murder of 32 people. Dad allows all things, though His purpose is not always made evident to those involved. When this gunman, whom you will come to know very well over the next few days, began this spree he did so with Dad’s knowledge. He could have been stopped at any given moment by any number of instruments, but Dad chose to let him fulfill his role down there. The person who did this wasn’t necessarily acting as an instrument of God, just as you’re not considered an instrument of God when you eat your dinner. He was certainly a child of God, and did have his entire path planned and put into motion by God, and just like you when you eat dinner, had his acts sanctioned by God. So what does this say? Is there a message you should get out of that? Maybe.
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Posted by Jesus on April 15, 2007
In a throwback to the first ever Jesus Jackpot, I thought today I’d honor a preacher doing something new and innovative in the realm of ministry. Much like Rev. Patrick and his beer church, the subject of today’s Jackpot opened a specialty church which has grown and has begun doing great work. It’s a story about triumph in the face of a changing society, perseverance in a time of confusion, and male domination in a world becoming more wimpy and feminized by the day.
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Posted by Jesus on April 13, 2007
Over the last five or six weeks since I began this site, a lot of ground has been covered. One of the single most important recurring topics is decisions and repercussions, a staple in the Bible and the entire concept upon which the moral structure of the Christian faith is based. In specific incidents I’ve pointed out the use of HIV, breast cancer, and other afflictions as punishments handed down from we up here in Heaven to you mortals down on Earth for offenses committed against or in the name of God. Of course the list isn’t limited to these few diseases, it continues far beyond those which you have found thus far, and there are even more afflictions on the horizon. To be honest, you can expect a steady stream of more virulent and more deadly diseases to pummel your poor planet right up to the beginning of the apocalypse, when the most devastating in our collection will finally be released. I know it’s not a topic many of you care to hear about, but it’s Friday the 13th and we need to talk about something related to doom. Doooooooooooooom! I’ll be brief though, I know you’re all busy practicing your pagan superstitions and wondering if any power besides mine could shape the course of events.
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Posted by Jesus on April 12, 2007
My good friend and chief counsel Moses brought a little article to my attention a couple of weeks ago which I’d like to talk about today. An Italian filmmaker, Claudio Malaponti, has decided that if I were alive today I might endorse Coca-Cola. In his upcoming documentary “Seven Kilometers From Jerusalem” I am portrayed as enjoying the beverage, something which has kind of ticked off the Coca-Cola executives. More importantly, it’s kind of ticked off your personal Lord and Savior.
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Posted by Jesus on April 11, 2007
How many of you out there actually believe that you’ve talked to God at some point? How many believe that He’s talked back? Would you be willing to stand up for someone else who has talked to Him and done as He asked, and would you expect other Christians to do the same for you? Only a couple of days ago, when discussing the matter of the Pope supposedly not helping women who were being abused by a priest, I talked about how Dad does talk to you and how very few of you actually listen. What I wonder now is whether or not those of you who do talk to me and Dad and who do honestly believe that we communicate back are willing to put that faith on display in support of one of your own. If you’re so sure we communicate why not band together? Why not form up a perfect union of people who know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Dad can and does control the actions of those who believe in Him? It should come as no surprise that part of being a good Christian, and thus part of what it takes to get into Heaven requires that you stand up for your fellow believer when he or she needs you. It’s what I would do.
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Posted by Jesus on April 10, 2007
Today was supposed to be a good day, you know? Dad and I were going to meet a couple of students who just arrived for some Yahtzee, then there was going to be a swim in the Perfect Pond after lunch, and then I was going to sit down and write about how so many of you are gaining favor by supporting the war. After all of that I might have answered some prayers, and then maybe taken a stroll with Mags through the Pope Estates to see how everyone is getting on. It was supposed to be a beautiful day in Heaven. But it’s hard to enjoy such a day when so darn many of you want Don Imus damned. You all know I hate to get involved in such petty matters, but you’ve driven me to it. So here we go, what would Jesus do about this Don Imus mess?
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Posted by Jesus on April 9, 2007
Sometimes it takes a good Pope to point out the way things work. In an article published earlier today, the Pope is called out for not assisting a bunch of women who have been sexually abused for years. In an affront to all that is Christian, the article takes aim at the Pope and the Catholic establishment for not jumping right in the middle of this matter and fixing it as soon as it came to light. Like that’s their job, you know, to fix everything that is wrong on the planet. Sheesh.
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Posted by Jesus on April 8, 2007
I know I said I wasn’t going to do anything here today, but Pete and I have been on a solid binge of Funyuns, beef jerky, and Xbox Live pretty much nonstop for eleven hundred earth-years. Time moves way different up here. In any case, I just took a much-needed shower and figured I’d drop in to check my email, and of course I can’t help but say something to all of you out there praying to me right now. Thank you everyone, I hear you, and you’re all welcome!
And just to keep the streak going, I’ve decided to award a Jesus Jackpot today, even though it is officially my day off. To keep things simple, though, I’m awarding the Easter Jackpot to the one guy who really deserves it - me! For actually ascending to Heaven, being the Son of God, and for being the one who has saved all of you who have what it takes to be saved, I am proud both to give and to accept today’s Jackpot.
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